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Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.3

Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. with this opinion? v. 3
There is an argument that the use of computers to observe art works and historical artefacts will soon lead to the disappearance of public museums and art galleries. Such a perspective is not really convincing. Admittedly, in this digital era, computer science and information technology have adverse effects on everything conventional, including art galleries and museums. Fewer and fewer local people these days travel to such places partly because it is more convenient to stay at home using computers and the Internet to enjoy watching what used to be seen only by paying a visit to a museum to see exhibits with their own eyes or an art gallery to appreciate certain paintings. However, claiming that computers will make the facilities at issue die out is far from reasonable. First off, without physical art galleries and museums, it would be almost impossible to create online images of historical artefacts and paintings. Even if it is possible, such future images would be fake ones only. Secondly, the global trend towards deindustrialization currently built by tech moguls would help make it understandable how the existence of museums and art galleries still plays an indispensable role in this modern world. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, to name but a few, raised their children nearly tech-free as they were well aware of the devastating effects of information technology on kids. What is more, without museums and associated places, tourists would have no culturally and historically important destinations to visit, and, more seriously, local children would not have any chance to witness what they have theoretically learnt at school. All things considered, my firm belief is that art facilities are not likely to suffer disappearance in the future, merely because they remain essential.
There is an argument that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers to observe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
works and historical
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
lead to the disappearance of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
. Such a perspective is not
really
convincing.

Admittedly
, in this digital era, computer science and information technology have adverse effects on everything conventional, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. Fewer and fewer local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
these days travel to such places partly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is more convenient to stay at home using computers and the Internet to enjoy watching what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by paying a visit to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
exhibits with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
eyes or an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
to appreciate certain paintings.

However
, claiming that computers will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the facilities at issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
out is far from reasonable.
First
off, without physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, it would be almost impossible to create online images of historical
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
and paintings. Even if it is possible, such future images would be fake ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Secondly
, the global trend towards deindustrialization
currently
built by tech moguls would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it understandable how the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
still
plays an indispensable role in this modern world. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few, raised their children
nearly
tech-free as they were well aware of the devastating effects of information technology on kids.
What is more
, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and associated places, tourists would have no
culturally
and
historically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
destinations to visit, and, more
seriously
, local children would not have any chance to witness what they have
theoretically
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt at
school.

All things considered, my firm belief is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
facilities are not likely to suffer disappearance in the future,
merely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they remain essential.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. with this opinion? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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