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Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. v.4

Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. v. 4
In our life choosing a career is an important factor to consider. If I had to choose between high salary and high level of enjoyment, I think I would choose the high salary. If I will choose a career for enjoyment basis only, I might not earn enough money. High paid jobs are beneficial socially and economically, as now will be discussed. Practically, earning money is the main reason why we work. If a person is highly compensated he can support himself and his family needs for daily livings. Once we are in comfortable living in earning, we can pursue our personal interest in our free time. Aside from providing the basic necessities of life, giving us our wants would be possible too. For example, an employee with the annual income of P 1, 000, 000 per year could afford to avail a housing loan of P20, 000 monthly.  So, those people with high wages could own a house which makes their lives comfortable. Furthermore, high paid people tend to have more time to socialise because they have enough money for parties and social gatherings. It is evident that choosing a career with high wages should be considered. On one hand, having high income could boost our economy. In the sense that the higher the salary, the higher contribution they paid for taxes. Eventually, we can help develop our economy in the other way around. On the other hand, nowadays we are suffering from an economic crisis. All the prices are going up including the rapid increased in our electricity and water bills. The salary we get will not be enough for daily expenses. In order to combat these rising problems, the solution is ours to make. We should be wise enough in choosing the profession to fulfil which is economically practical. For example, the country's unemployment rate hit 27 percent equivalent to 12. 4 million jobless Filipinos. Others are opted to accept low wages than having no job at all. The problem has taken place from the moment they have decided a career of their choice which is not in demand. In conclusion, adequate salary could be very beneficial in regards to social and economic factors. It is the best way, for it can provide the basic needs for ourselves and our family. Therefore, I strongly believed that the future lies in our own hands. Being wise in decision making for attaining career goal with high salary are far more important than a career for enjoyment basis only that is impractical.
In our life choosing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to consider. If I had to choose between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
level of enjoyment, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
I would choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
. If I
Consider removing 'will'. (Usually, 'will' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless in the sense 'want to' or 'be willing to'.)
will choose
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
for enjoyment basis
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, I might not earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
High
paid jobs are beneficial
socially
and
economically
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
will
be discussed
.

Practically
, earning money is the main reason why we work. If a person is
highly
compensated he can support himself and his family needs for daily livings. Once we are in comfortable living in earning, we can pursue our personal interest in our free time. Aside from providing the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of life, giving us our wants would be possible too.
For example
, an employee with the annual income of P 1, 000, 000 per year could afford to avail a housing loan of P20, 000 monthly.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wages could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
comfortable.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to have more time to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
money for parties and social gatherings. It is evident that choosing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
wages should
be considered
.

On one hand, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income could boost our economy. In the sense that the higher the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
, the higher contribution they paid for taxes.
Eventually
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
develop our economy in the other way around.
On the other hand
, nowadays we are suffering from an economic crisis. All the prices are going up including the rapid increased in our electricity and water bills. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
will not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
for daily expenses. In order to combat these rising problems, the solution is ours to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
. We should be wise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
in choosing the profession to fulfil which is
economically
practical.
For example
, the country's unemployment rate hit 27 percent equivalent to 12. 4 million jobless Filipinos. Others
are opted
to accept low wages than having no job at all. The problem has taken place from the moment they have decided a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
of their choice which is not in demand.

In conclusion
, adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
social and economic factors. It is the best way, for it can provide the basic needs for ourselves and our family.
Therefore
, I
strongly
believed that the future lies in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hands. Being wise in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
for attaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
goal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
for enjoyment basis
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that is
impractical.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
422 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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