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some people believes that friends should be similar. others thinks that they should be different with each other. what is your idea? and why? v.1

some people believes that friends should be similar. others thinks that they should be different with each other. what is your idea? and why? v. 1
Some of the states, students want to work or go on a trip for 12 months among after graduating from school and starting of new college terms. Students could refresh their minds and relax for a while, but there are also drawbacks to be taken into account. Firstly, one benefit of travelling is that they can take relax. This method contains go with your family. This help person not thinking about homesickness, moreover, they can keep going out with their friends. Secondly, this journey possibly makes them stop thinking about their issues. Most students have obstacles with their exams, university or school. Thirdly, in that time they could find a part time job which can help them to save money for the next year of their studies. In addition, they can learn new jobs which may help them in different ways. On the other hand, one problem is a long time journey could make them lazier. This will make it hard to start their lessons as they were before. For instance, the first of the week, even a month after travel you will have some memories about it and this distracts them. As a result, more holidays it is not extremely beneficial. Another possible issue is that more thinking about their next holiday’s on the calendar. Waiting for other holiday may keep them to not focus on their studies. For example, after holidays like Nowroz, Christmas and the like, most students do not care about their colleagues. In conclusion, while students can benefit from some holiday, it can also lead to stop studying carefully.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
states,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want to work or go on a trip for 12 months among after graduating from school and starting of new college terms.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
could refresh their minds and relax for a while,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
drawbacks to
be taken
into account.

Firstly
, one benefit of travelling is that they can take relax. This method contains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
your family. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
person not thinking about homesickness,
moreover
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going out with their friends.
Secondly
, this journey
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
thinking about their issues. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have obstacles with their exams, university or school.
Thirdly
, in that time they could find a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to save money for the
next
year of their studies.
In addition
, they can learn new jobs which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.

On the other hand
, one problem is a long time journey could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lazier. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their lessons as they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For instance
, the
first
of the week, even a month after travel you will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
memories about it and this distracts them.
As a result
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
it is not
extremely
beneficial. Another possible issue is that more thinking about their
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday’s
on the calendar. Waiting for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them to not focus on their studies.
For example
, after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nowroz
, Christmas and the like, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do not care about their colleagues.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can benefit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
, it can
also
lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
studying
carefully
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believes that friends should be similar. others thinks that they should be different with each other. what is your idea? and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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