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q6. Using the main points and example from the lecture describe the two main criteria for using an older research reference presented by the professor. v.1

q6. Using the main points and example from the lecture describe the two main criteria for using an older research reference presented by the professor. v. 1
It is often argued that it is more essential to place emphasis on teaching local history than foreign one. While I agree that it is beneficial to teach local history I reckon that children should also be taught about the past of other nations. First of all, in my opinion, it is an undeniable fact that by learning more history of their home country young students can better appreciate the history of where they were born. For example, they would not forget those who fought in bloody wars in order to achieve the freedom and peace life that we are leading today. So I think if young apprentices don't study local history they will not be interested in learning this principal subject. Thus in my perspective, it is vital for them being taught about their motherland in earlier times. Nevertheless it appears to me that the early years of other states should also be educated. Since it helps broaden their horizons about other areas of the world. For instance, while travelling abroad they would not face to problem such as knowledge barrier. They can easily communicate with people from different backgrounds about the past of their cultures without any hesitation. Further and even more importantly though it would contribute to acquire successful occupations in their future life as well as a deep cultural understanding. For these reasons it is absolutely necessary being educated about history of other countries. By way of conclusion, while I accept that our offspring can benifit from learning local history, I do believe that foreign works should also be an important part of achool education
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that it is more essential to place emphasis on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
than foreign one.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is beneficial to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
I reckon that children should
also
be taught
about the past of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in my opinion, it is an undeniable fact that by learning more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of their home country young students can better appreciate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of where they
were born
.
For example
, they would not forget those who fought in bloody wars in order to achieve the freedom and peace life that we are leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
if young apprentices don't study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
they will not
be interested
in learning this principal subject.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
in my perspective, it is vital for them
being taught
about their motherland in earlier times.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
it appears to me that the early years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
states should
also
be educated
.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
broaden their horizons about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas of the world.
For instance
, while travelling abroad they would not face to problem such as knowledge barrier. They can
easily
communicate with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds about the past of their cultures without any hesitation.
Further
and even more
importantly
though it would contribute to acquire successful occupations in their future life
as well
as a deep cultural understanding. For these reasons it is
absolutely
necessary
being educated
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries.

By way of conclusion, while I accept that our offspring can
Possible spelling mistake found.
benifit
from learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
, I do believe that foreign works should
also
be an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
Possible spelling mistake found.
achool
education
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay q6. Using the main points and example from the lecture describe the two main criteria for using an older research reference presented by the professor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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