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Some people believe the Olympic Games don’t belong to the 21st century anymore. To What extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe the Olympic Games don’t belong to the 21st century anymore. v. 2
Many people argue that the Olympic Games do not belong to the 21st century anymore. I completely disagree with this argument. There are several reasons why the Olympic Games belong to current and future centuries. Firstly, the Olympics has its symbolic reference to preserving endangered sports. By holding these kind of events, people will see the several sports from all over the world. In addition, every country tries to show their readiness for the sports which belong to their country. Secondly, the athletes, who are into these games have a dream to achieve its most prestigious medal for their country and themselves. For instance, a report published by AIS (Australian Institute of sports) states, that every 2 out of 5 players has a dream about it, which eventually brings them to this global sports stage. Finally, nations will be able to share their culture and traditional sports with other countries. Furthermore, at this platform, every sport has its own judicial significance, for all sets of people. Many sports which have comparatively less audience attraction, due to their less popularity and interest towards them, in limited geographical areas, are being celebrated with full of excitement at this global platform. For instance, Hockey and Football of blinds, as a part of it, have a substantial crowd gathering, which otherwise hard to find, anywhere else. In addition, people, especially the young persons inspired by these kind of event. As a result, sports that are on the verge of extinction could be able to survive for the coming generations. In conclusion, I conclude that these competitions have to keep intact to preserve and protect it for the future generation of players, who has its national and personal significance, which eventually brings the world together in one place every 4 years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the Olympic Games do not belong to the 21st century anymore. I completely disagree with this argument.

There are several reasons why the Olympic Games belong to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
and future centuries.
Firstly
, the Olympics has its symbolic reference to preserving endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. By holding
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
from all over the world.
In addition
, every country tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their readiness for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which belong to their country.
Secondly
, the athletes, who are into these games have a dream to achieve its most prestigious medal for their country and themselves.
For instance
, a report published by AIS (Australian Institute of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports)
states, that every 2 out of 5 players has a dream about it, which
eventually
brings them to this global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stage.
Finally
, nations will be able to share their culture and traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
with other countries.

Furthermore
, at this platform, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
judicial significance, for all sets of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which have
comparatively
less audience attraction, due to their less popularity and interest towards them, in limited geographical areas, are
being celebrated
with full of excitement at this global platform.
For instance
, Hockey and Football of blinds, as a part of it, have a substantial crowd gathering, which
otherwise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find, anywhere else.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the young persons inspired by
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that are on the verge of extinction could be able to survive for the coming generations.

In conclusion
, I conclude that these competitions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
intact to preserve and protect it for the future generation of players, who has its national and personal significance, which
eventually
brings the world together in one place every 4 years.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people believe the Olympic Games don’t belong to the 21st century anymore. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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