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Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. v. 3
In the modern world, many individuals are concerned about their family relationship, when they go to the foreign countries, because they cannot keep in touch with their family members properly. In this regard, there is an opinion that taking family with them abroad can be a viable option. However, this option has many disadvantages. To begin with, the main disadvantage of taking family members abroad is expenses. It is widely known that supporting relatives with money in the foreign country is costly, and only few people can afford it. To illustrate, when family members travel to the Western countries, such as the UK and Germany, spending can add weigh to the family budget. Furthermore, they can intervene in the ongoing business process, or businesspeople cannot concentrate on their work properly. It is true that relatives are not willing to stay in one place, when they go abroad. In this reason, they disturb businesspeople. For example, employees can receive a call during the meeting from their relatives, who ais asking for the going out in the evenings. On the other hand, relatives can motivate employees during their business trip. There is no denying that family support is essential for individuals. In this reason, they can work productively, when they take their colony with them. A good illustration of this is the Arabic authorities, because they take with them every members of their family. Moreover, employees can spend their spare time with them. It will help them to consolidate their relationship and have a fun. To illustrate, they can go out for a dinner or visit popular tourist attractions in the country with their relatives. In conclusion, although many individuals tend to think that taking their colony with them abroad can be beneficial for their relationship, and they can be provided with support, others feel that this option is very costly and their colony can disturb them during the trip.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
are concerned
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship, when they go to the foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
properly
. In this regard, there is an opinion that taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
can be a viable option.
However
, this option has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the main disadvantage of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
is expenses. It is
widely
known that supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
with money in the foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is costly, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can afford it. To illustrate, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
travel to the Western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, such as the UK and Germany, spending can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
weigh to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
budget.
Furthermore
, they can intervene in the ongoing business process, or businesspeople cannot concentrate on their work
properly
. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
are not willing to stay in one place, when they go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
. In this reason, they disturb businesspeople.
For example
, employees can receive a call during the meeting from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
, who
Possible spelling mistake found.
ais
asking for the going out in the evenings.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relatives
can motivate employees during their business trip. There is no denying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
support is essential for individuals. In this reason, they can work
productively
, when they take their colony with them. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is the Arabic authorities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they take with them every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "member"?
members
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Moreover
, employees can spend their spare time with them. It will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to consolidate their relationship and have a fun. To illustrate, they can go out
When we speak of types of meals, the article is not required: "for dinner".
for a dinner
or visit popular tourist attractions in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with their relatives.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that taking their colony with them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
can be beneficial for their relationship, and they can
be provided
with support, others feel that this option is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly and their colony can disturb them during the trip.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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