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Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. v. 2
Women are considered as the backbone of society since they play an important role in domestic and work-related affairs. It is often argued by some that females should devote themselves to household chores, and upbringing of their progeny. Meanwhile, others are of the view that ladies should pursue careers. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument before reaching a logical opinion. On the one hand, the supporters of the view that women should join the workforce in the outer world argue that the development of a nation is linked with the role of females in society because they are almost half of the population of the world. Moreover, women share fifty percent quota in every field of life whether it is education, health, old-age benefit programs so their contribution to the development of the country must be remarkable. For instance, Japan is the most rapidly developing country because it is mandatory for a university graduate female to do a part-time or full-time job for a specific period of time. On the other hand, women should look after their children rather than giving them in custody of a babysitter where they are abused in their absence during working hours. This is to say that many nannies are ignorant in discharging their duties such as they give children sedatives so that they sleep for longer duration in order not to get poked by children again and again, which affects the child’s health. For example, a report published by the Health Society of the USA, which argues that offsprings of working women are more prone to physical illnesses due to the negligence of caretakers. Therefore, the focus of a female should be at home and towards children. However, I believe that females should take care of their children as well as they can also work part-time. In this way, they can groom their young ones and also benefit society from their education and talent. To sum-up, women should spend time with their families and also adopt a career depending on the availability of time to contribute to both the family and society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are considered
as the backbone of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
since they play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in domestic and work-related affairs. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
should devote themselves to household chores, and upbringing of their progeny. Meanwhile, others are of the view that ladies should pursue careers. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a logical opinion.

On the one hand, the supporters of the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the workforce in the outer world argue that the development of a nation
is linked
with the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are almost half of the population of the world.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
share fifty percent quota in every field of life whether it is education, health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age benefit programs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their contribution to the development of the country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be remarkable.
For instance
, Japan is the most
rapidly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is mandatory for a university graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
to do a part-time or full-time job for a specific period of time.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than giving them in custody of a babysitter where they
are abused
in their absence during working hours. This is to say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nannies are ignorant in discharging their duties such as they give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
sedatives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they sleep for longer duration in order not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
poked by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
again and again, which affects the child’s health.
For example
, a report published by the Health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Society
of the USA, which argues that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more prone to physical illnesses due to the negligence of caretakers.
Therefore
, the focus of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
should be at home and towards children.

However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
should take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as they can
also
work part-time. In this way, they can groom their young ones and
also
benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
from their education and talent.

To sum-up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should spend time with their families and
also
adopt a career depending on the availability of time to contribute to both the family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should stay at home and should take care of children, while others believe that women should work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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