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Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.7

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. 7
Increasing numbers of women are beginning to choose jobs that were once dominated by men, one of such jobs is the defence such as police and army. Some people opine that women are not fit for the military while others think women should be given opportunity to work with the force. This essay will be discussing both views as well as my own personal opinion. On the one hand, gone are the days where women are stereotyped to a particular type of profession. Presently many ladies have dominated positions that were initially believed to be male's job. Jobs such as engineering, construction, security, and different country's force have females who are efficiently working to contribute their best. Some women have the physical, mental as well as intellectual strength to function well in these roles, therefore there is nothing that stops a female from working with the military if she fits the necessary requirement that is needed. For example, women soldiers in the United State contributed immensely to the Iraq war, both as war soldiers and as army medics. Hence, they should be given the liberty to decide their career and contribute their quota to the society. On the other hand, some people believe that women do not have the physical strength that is needed at the war, hence they are not fit to work as a soldier. This is because military work is a strenuous occupation that require a plethora of physical strength and stamina that they do not have. For instance, in Nigeria some females who applied to join the security force dropped out after one week of training in the camp because they could not endure the severe training that they had to go through. Therefore, women should be spared the stress of working in sectors beyond their physical stamina. In conclusion, today people are clamouring for equal right and opportunities in all ramifications, including working in the defence. I am of the opinion that women should be allowed to choose their career path without any restriction, and this includes working as a police or other security personnel as far as they meet the requirement of the position.
Increasing numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are beginning to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that were once dominated by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, one of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
is the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
such as police and army.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not fit for the military while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunity to work with the force. This essay will be discussing both views
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal opinion.

On the one hand, gone are the
It is better to use 'days' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "days when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
days where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are stereotyped
to a particular type of profession.
Presently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ladies have dominated positions that were
initially
believed to be male's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
such as engineering, construction, security, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
country's force have females who are
efficiently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
to contribute their best.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
, mental
as well
as intellectual strength to function well in these roles,
therefore
there is nothing that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
a female from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with the military if she fits the necessary requirement that
is needed
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
soldiers in the United State contributed
immensely
to the Iraq war, both as war soldiers and as army medics.
Hence
, they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the liberty to decide their career and contribute their quota to the society.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
do not have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
strength that
is needed
at the war,
hence
they are not fit to work as a soldier. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
military work is a strenuous occupation that require a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
strength and stamina that they do not have.
For instance
, in Nigeria
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
females who applied to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the security force dropped out after one week of training in the camp
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could not endure the severe training that they had to go through.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be spared
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in sectors beyond their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
stamina.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
clamouring
for equal right and opportunities in all ramifications, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
. I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to choose their career path without any restriction, and this includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
as a police or other security personnel as far as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirement of the position.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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