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Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 2
Nowadays, we are living in a society where women and men hold the same rights and women have shown their metal in every field. Therefore many people think that women should also join the police force and army of the country, whereas, others believe that these jobs are not suitable for women. However, I stand with the former viewpoint. These days, we are heading to the egalitarian society where men and women hold the same rights and opportunities. So I believe that women should come forward and play an equal role as men in the police force and army of a country. Moreover, women can play an important role in these fields such as females are effective in communication. Furthermore, even men are joining field such as chef, teacher and so on, which were before meant to be work could be done by only women. Therefore, women should also be allowed to work in the police or military. Others opine that physical strength is an important factor that should be considered in these fields. As women are lack of physical strength, therefore they should not join police or military force. Furthermore, even men have to go through such hard training to work in this field so it will be difficult for women to go through with the same training to join this field. Also, these jobs need a lot of hard work which is very difficult for women as they also handle house, kids and many responsibilities. So they should not join this field. Summing up, women should also join the police force or military force in today’s egalitarian society.
Nowadays, we are living in a society where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
hold the same rights and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have shown their metal in every
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field
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
join
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
and army of the country, whereas, others believe that these jobs are not suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
However
, I stand with the former viewpoint.

These days, we are heading to the egalitarian society where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
hold the same rights and opportunities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward and play an equal role as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
and army of a country.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
such as females are effective in communication.
Furthermore
, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
such as chef, teacher and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, which were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
meant to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
could
be done
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
also
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or military.

Others opine that physical strength is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor that should
be considered
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are lack of physical strength,
therefore
they should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
.
Furthermore
, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go through such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
training to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will be difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to go through with the same training to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
join
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
Also
, these jobs need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as they
also
handle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, kids and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
join
this field.

Summing up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
join
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
or military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s egalitarian society.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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