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Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or the military. Others think women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.4

Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or the military. Others think women are less suitable for this kind of job. v. 4
Some jobs are gender biased, especially the professions like army and police force. However, most of the people believe that these jobs opportunities should be made available for opposite sex as well. This essay will state the view and my opinion along with the supporting examples. Most of the females, in the modern times, are stronger than a majority of the males. As women too are these days health-oriented. In addition to that, they timely visit physical fitness centres. Many girls, for instance, visit gym either to stay in shape or to build muscles just like men. Therefore, in my view, the amendments in the hiring policies should be made. Undoubtedly, they are equally capable of accomplishing a task as well as their counterparts. On the other hand, some are of the opinion that these occupations demand a person to be mentally and emotionally strong. Whereas, females are stigmatised to be sensitive and fragile. As a result, claimed to be inept for admission in these departments. I personally think that this is a stereotypical mindset which can only be changed by educating people in this area. There are, like, several numbers of successful female figures with robust attitude who are employed in the military in some countries. That is why I am against the idea of not permitting females to be admitted in these sectors to work. To sum up, eligibility criteria for selection of the right candidate should not be gender based but rather upon the skills which are essential for a particular position. Recruitment standard is needed to be raised.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
jobs are gender biased,
especially
the professions like army and police force.
However
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that these jobs opportunities should
be made
available for opposite sex
as well
. This essay will state the view and my opinion along with the supporting examples.

Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
, in the modern times, are stronger than a majority of the males.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
women too are these days health-oriented.
In addition
to that, they timely visit physical fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
girls,
for instance
, visit gym either to stay in shape or to build muscles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Therefore
, in my view, the amendments in the hiring policies should
be made
.
Undoubtedly
, they are
equally
capable of accomplishing a task
as well
as their counterparts.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that these occupations demand a person to be mentally and
emotionally
strong. Whereas,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are
Possible spelling mistake. 'stigmatised' is British English.
stigmatised
to be sensitive and fragile.
As a result
, claimed to be inept for admission in these departments. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is a stereotypical mindset which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by educating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in this area. There are, like, several numbers of successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
figures with robust attitude who
are employed
in the military in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.
That is
why I am against the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of not permitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
to
be admitted
in these sectors to work.

To sum up, eligibility criteria for selection of the right candidate should not be
Consider using a past participle here: "gendered".
gender
based
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
upon the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are essential for a particular position. Recruitment standard
is needed
to
be raised
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or the military. Others think women are less suitable for this kind of job. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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