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The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take parenting courses. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take parenting courses. v. 4
One of the most important responsibilities of parents is probably the best care of their children. It is believed that all mothers and fathers should attend parenting courses so that they are better prepared for parenting. In my opinion, it is the right way, but it is not really required. On the one hand, parents will have mighty benefits of parenting classes. First, mothers and fathers are provided with specific knowledge on how to raise a child at different stages of development through such courses. Parents who engage with parenting courses will gain insight into their children's needs. Therefore, their children will enjoy a good care from their parents. Next, basic medical training to help them handle cases about their kid's health is really needed. For example, first aid training teaches parents what to do if their kids have a high fever or have trouble breathing. On the other hand, engaging in training is beneficial, it's not really required. This is because many parents, especially those with financial difficulties, have to work overtime, in the evening or even on weekends, just to make ends meet. Participation will result in financial burdens due to payment of tuition. In addition, parenting is said to be an innate skill that every parent can naturally when they have children. For example, when a natural child is born, the mother's instinct to take care of her kid will be self-sufficient without training. So parents have the right to decide whether or not to participate in such skill classes. In short, although there are some benefits that parenting classes bring, they should be optional instead of mandatory.
One of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
responsibilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is
probably
the best care of their children. It
is believed
that all mothers and fathers should attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
courses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they are better prepared for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
. In my opinion, it is the right way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not
really
required.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will have mighty benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
classes.
First
, mothers and fathers
are provided
with specific knowledge on how to raise a child at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
stages of development through such courses.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
who engage with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
courses will gain insight into their children's needs.
Therefore
, their children will enjoy a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Next
, basic medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them handle cases about their kid's health is
really
needed.
For example
,
first
aid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
what to do if their kids have a high fever or have trouble breathing.

On the other hand
, engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
is beneficial, it's not
really
required. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
especially
those with financial difficulties,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work overtime, in the evening or even on weekends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
. Participation will result in financial burdens due to payment of tuition.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
is said
to be an innate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
can
naturally
when they have children.
For example
, when a natural child
is born
, the mother's instinct to take care of her kid will be self-sufficient without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the right to decide
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
to participate in such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
classes.

In short, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
classes bring, they should be optional
instead
of mandatory.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take parenting courses. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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