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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 5
The time we live in is being called the Entertainment Age—and rightly so. It's becoming increasingly difficult to walk into a room that doesn't have some sort of screen in it. In fact, every one of us carries a mini entertainment device on-person everywhere we go, in the form of a cell phone. The available content varies, but one trend that's part of most programmes is violence. But is violence on television and in video games actually causing us harm? The argument in favour of this theory is simple—people watch someone being violent, and then they themselves are encouraged to cause violence. There has been some research to support this theory, where participants were selected from a group of criminals and their activity prior to incarceration was studied. However, such studies have never had a control group, and hence do not paint a true picture of the phenomenon. In my opinion, the idea that 'watching violence incites violence' has no leg to stand on. On a daily basis, billions of people watch action movies where the hero takes down a group of villains with a machine gun. Millions play competitive games where the objective is to kill the opposing team in the cleverest way possible. But the number of people who perform violent acts in real life? Less than a single percent of that figure. Furthermore, there has never been any direct link established between violence on screen and violence in real life. One researcher went as far as to say, "You're about as likely to take a life because of watching someone else do it on TV, as you are to fly to the moon after watching the Moon Landing. " It's not difficult to understand where the idea originates. Humans, by nature, are concerned about the safety of the ones they love. Any threat to them, however remote, starts to feel significant when it could ruin an otherwise peaceful life. Be that as it may, people should accept these things as a 'doubt', rather than a 'threat', till such time as they can confirm it. I truly hope that, in the future, people are made aware of the fact that violence on screen doesn't translate to real violence. After all, no one enjoys being worried. And this is certainly a topic not worth worrying about.
The time we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in is
being called
the Entertainment Age—and
rightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. It's becoming
increasingly
difficult to walk into a room that doesn't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of screen in it. In fact, every one of us carries a mini entertainment device on-person everywhere we go, in the form of a cell phone. The available content varies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
one trend that's part of most
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on television and in video games actually causing us harm?

The argument in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this theory is simple—
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "is", "was", "were".
being
violent, and then they themselves
are encouraged
to cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. There has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research to support this theory, where participants
were selected
from a group of criminals and their activity prior to incarceration
was studied
.
However
, such studies have never had a control group, and
hence
do not paint a true picture of the phenomenon.

In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that 'watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
incites violence' has no leg to stand on. On a daily basis, billions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
action movies where the hero takes down a group of villains with a machine gun. Millions play competitive games where the objective is to kill the opposing team in the cleverest way possible.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who perform violent acts in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
? Less than a single percent of that figure.
Furthermore
, there has never been any direct link established between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on screen and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. One researcher went as far as to say,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
You're about as likely to take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of watching someone else
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
it on TV, as you are to
fly
to the moon after watching the Moon Landing.
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"


It's not difficult to understand where the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
originates. Humans, by nature,
are concerned
about the safety of the ones they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. Any threat to them,
however
remote,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to feel significant when it could ruin an
otherwise
peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Be that as it may,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should accept these things as a 'doubt',
rather
than a 'threat', till such time as they can confirm it. I
truly
hope that, in the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are made
aware of the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on screen doesn't translate to real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
.
After all
, no one enjoys
being worried
. And this is
certainly
a topic not worth worrying about.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
387 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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