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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 1
A part of the society believes that the violence experienced nowadays, has as one of the responsible the tv and video game, while another part vehemently denies this connection. In my opinion, it is not in the media that we should put the blame. To begin with, I think that every person who is violent was born with that seed inside it. I truly believe that some people were born to be evil. Putting blame on television or violent video games is just an excuse for them. Take, for instance, famous serial killers of the 60s and 70s, they did not grow up playing violent video games, they did not spend hours in front of a tv watching violent tv shows or films, because mainly, they only exist today. Also, if we take that information as a base, that people get more violent because of TV and games, I bet that practically the whole world would be violent nowadays, right? Well, at least a lot of the young people of the world! Imagine what chaos, we would be facing on those days with all those crazy games? As for myself, I already have played a lot of those games and never thought to shoot or hit anyone out there. To conclude, yes, I even understand some people accuse the media of the cause of the violence but in fact, I think it is more useful in reducing it than increasing it. The media should be seen as a great tool to spread peace.
A part of the society believes that the violence experienced nowadays, has as one of the responsible the
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and video game, while another part
vehemently
denies this connection. In my opinion, it is not in the media that we should put the blame.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that every person who is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
was born
with that seed inside it. I
truly
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were born
to be evil. Putting blame on television or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
an excuse for them. Take,
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
serial killers of the 60s and 70s, they did not grow up playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they did not spend hours in front of a
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
or films,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
mainly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

Also
, if we take that information as a base, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of TV and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, I bet that
practically
the whole world would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
nowadays, right? Well, at least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the world! Imagine what chaos, we would be facing on those days with all those crazy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
? As for myself, I already have played
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to shoot or hit anyone out there.

To conclude
, yes, I even understand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
accuse the media of the cause of the violence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in fact, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is more useful in reducing it than increasing it. The media should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a great tool to spread peace.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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