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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v.4

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 4
While some people think that the violence on television and in electronic games can influence the people’s behaviour, others do not believe that. My opinion is that these kinds of things cannot modify a person’s attitudes. This essay will discuss about those two points of view using examples to support the arguments and demonstrate some points. Firstly, there are some people who deny that brutality produced on digital media, such as TV or Video Games, can really produce some bad effects on society. For example, I have played so many violent games in my childhood, but I have never involved with some violent happening. It may be because of the way that I was educated since I was just a child and the values that my parents always show me. Therefore, the values that exist in a society may be more important to maintain people away from any kind of bloodshed than just some games or TV shows. Secondly, also there are people who believe that, in fact, violent games or any violent show on TV can lead to aggressive behaviours. For instance, some people have ever committed stranger crimes that sometimes are very similar to some series’ episodes or even with games parts. Because of things like that, people and even human behaviour specialists believe that sometimes violence was generated by that type of brutal material. So if we analyse from this point of view, really makes sense. In conclusion, some people have the power to control his thoughts and attitudes to not become violent whereas others are easily influenced after have contact with violent materials. But I believe the way a person handles his thoughts and attitudes may depend more on the temperament and education than what he is consuming on electronic devices.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the violence on television and in electronic
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games
can influence the
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people’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, others do not
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believe
that. My opinion is that these kinds of things cannot modify a person’s attitudes. This essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss those"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about those
two points of view using examples to support the arguments and demonstrate
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some
points.
Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who deny that brutality produced on digital media, such as TV or Video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
, can
really
produce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on society.
For example
, I have played
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in my childhood,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I have never involved with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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violent
happening. It may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the way that I
was educated
since I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a child and the values that my parents always
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show
me.
Therefore
, the values that exist in a society may be more
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important
to maintain
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people
away from any kind of bloodshed than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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games
or TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
Secondly
,
also
there are
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people
who
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believe
that, in fact,
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violent
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games
or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
on TV can lead to aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
have ever committed stranger crimes that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
are
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very
similar to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
series’ episodes or even with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
parts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of things like that,
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people
and even human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
specialists
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believe
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
violence
was generated
by that type of brutal material.
“So if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So if
we
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analyse
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
from


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this
point of view,
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense.
In conclusion
,
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some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the power to control his thoughts and attitudes to not become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
whereas others are
easily
influenced after have contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
materials.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
the way a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
handles
his thoughts and attitudes may depend more on the temperament and education than what he is consuming on electronic devices.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? v. 4

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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