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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programs (for example working on charity, teaching sport to younger people) To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programs (for example working on charity, teaching sport to younger people) v. 3
A boy/girl normally gets an idea of what to do in the future, in high school only. Based on which he decides the bachelor course to be studied. The interest varies from person to person. Some have inbuilt interest in community services than in academics. When the school itself gives a chance to do these services, they take it as a platform for them to carry forward. Working on charity, teaching sports to young and poor people, taking communication class / tuition class to the rural people, etc is not paid, but gives a sort of satisfaction or a kind of an immense pleasure. If we think in one way, it's simply waste of time and energy as it is not going to help you in any way (not in monetary terms or academic wise). When it is made compulsory, we cannot assure that it will inculcate service mind in the student's mind. If there are marks as that of school education, then students have no option, they have to perform these activities. It becomes a stress again. On the other hand, it will educate the students' humanity, slowly they themselves grow interest in doing charity services. They get to know various kinds of people who are starving for education and awaiting for life changing moments, who knows it may be the they. It is provided as optional to the high school students. So it is their choice to take part. It is not for becoming popular in the society, it is a form of helping the society to be developed. It should be a voluntary one.
A boy/girl
normally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of what to do in the future, in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. Based on which he decides the bachelor course to
be studied
. The interest varies from person to person.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
have inbuilt interest in community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
than in academics. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
itself gives a chance to do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, they take it as a platform for them to carry forward. Working on charity, teaching sports to young and poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, taking communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
/ tuition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
to the rural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, etc is not paid,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
gives a sort of satisfaction or a
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'an' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of an
immense pleasure.

If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in one way, it's
simply
waste of time and energy as it is not going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you in any way (not in monetary terms or academic wise). When it
is made
compulsory, we cannot assure that it will inculcate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
mind in the student's mind. If there are marks as that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education, then students have no option, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
perform these activities. It becomes a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
again.

On the other hand
, it will educate the students' humanity,
slowly
they themselves grow interest in doing charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know various kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are starving for education and
Did you mean "awaiting" or "waiting for"?
awaiting for
life changing moments, who knows it may be
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "they"?
the they
.

It
is provided
as optional to the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is their choice to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
. It is not for becoming popular in the society, it is a form of helping the society to
be developed
. It should be a voluntary one.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programs (for example working on charity, teaching sport to younger people) v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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