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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.9

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 9
It is argued that voluntary services as charities or public services should be mandatory in secondary school. I strongly agree with this view. Social activities help young people to become socially responsible adults. They can help them to find their vocation. It is true that community services instil a sense of responsibility towards the society, which is needed to shape a united society. Admittedly, collecting and recycling plastic waste is being a problem around the world. For this reason, younger people should join in voluntary activities in order to take care and help the environment. For example, some schools around the world involve their pupils in cleaning tasks. They have specific days to clean public spaces such as parks, roads and beaches. These activities help children to care about their communities and understand waste recycling. In addition, social services could help secondary students to find their vocation. Some studies show that students do not find their dream job with conventional educational programs. Experience in voluntary activities could give them the way to find their vocation. As an example, older people cannot use new technologies such as computers, smartphones and social media, and as a consequence, they are not being able to adapt to the current lifestyle. To help them, some charities are aiming to teach adults new technologies. Secondary school students can play a role in that by joining these charities, in which they can develop their teaching skills and understand if they will enjoy teaching in the future. In conclusion, social services have many benefits for students. They help children to become socially responsible citizens an also to shape their overall personality development. Therefore, young people should be encouraged to be involved themselves in voluntaries.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
as charities or public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should be mandatory in secondary school. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become
socially
responsible adults. They can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
their vocation.

It is true that community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
Possible spelling mistake. 'instil' is British English.
instil
a sense of responsibility towards the society, which
is needed
to shape a united society.
Admittedly
, collecting and recycling plastic waste is being a problem around the world.
For this reason
, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to take care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the environment.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
schools around the world involve their pupils in cleaning tasks. They have specific days to clean public spaces such as parks, roads and beaches. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
children to care about their communities and understand waste recycling.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
their vocation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
their dream job with conventional educational programs. Experience in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could give them the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
their vocation. As an example, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
new technologies such as computers, smartphones and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media, and as a consequence, they are not being able to adapt to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
lifestyle. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
charities are aiming to teach adults new technologies. Secondary school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can play a role in that by joining these charities, in which they can develop their teaching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and understand if they will enjoy teaching in the future.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
children to become
socially
responsible citizens
Did you mean "and" or "any"?
an
also
to shape their
overall
personality development.
Therefore
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to
be involved
themselves in voluntaries.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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