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Some people believe that universities should make sports a compulsory module on all degree courses as rates of obesity are getting higher and higher. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that universities should make sports a compulsory module on all degree courses as rates of obesity are getting higher and higher. v. 1
It is always good to have some physical exercises which we lack due to the revolution happened in technology. I do strongly agree that universities must make it mandatory to include some sports in the curriculum in order to reduce the rate of obesity and other health problems. With regards to my opinion, it can be keenly observed that most of the children develop their interest in some sports during their schooling, where they are allowed to play various games such as volleyball, tennis, short put, basketball, cricket and many more. Additionally, some even excel in them by competing in national level games. But, it becomes questionable if they are able to take it a step further once they get into undergraduate studies, where they are pushed into a tight schedule of repeated assessments, assignments, practical tests. Pursuing with my argument, of the total students, less than 10% of students are able to continue with them through the perfect management of time. Hence, it is an excellent idea of adding sports in the university syllabus, which allows the students to schedule a stipulated time with no stress. Also, keeping oneself fit and healthy will result in an improved concentration in their studies. For an instance, one of my friends, who regularly goes for swimming, finds it to be refreshing, that she is able to focus on her studies after that. Thus, I reaffirm my agreement of including sports in the regular curriculum of the students, as it brings out their talent apart from reducing the risks of obesity, heart problems or any such health issues. It is also proved that physical education increases the activity of brain and keeps them active all the time.
It is always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical exercises which we lack due to the revolution happened in technology. I do
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that universities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it mandatory to include
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the curriculum in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the rate of obesity and other health problems.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
my opinion, it can be
keenly
observed that most of the children develop their interest in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
during their schooling, where they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to play various games such as volleyball, tennis, short put, basketball, cricket and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
even excel in them by competing in national level games.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it becomes questionable if they are able to take it a step
further
once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into undergraduate studies, where they
are pushed
into a tight schedule of repeated assessments, assignments, practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
.

Pursuing with my argument, of the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, less than 10% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to continue with them through the perfect management of time.
Hence
, it is an excellent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the university syllabus, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to schedule a stipulated time with no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Also
, keeping oneself fit and healthy will result in an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
concentration in their studies. For an instance, one of my friends, who
regularly
goes for swimming, finds it to be refreshing, that she is able to focus on her studies after that.

Thus
, I reaffirm my agreement of including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the regular curriculum of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, as it brings out their talent apart from reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of obesity, heart problems or any such health issues. It is
also
proved that physical education increases the activity of brain and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them active all the time.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Some people believe that universities should make sports a compulsory module on all degree courses as rates of obesity are getting higher and higher. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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