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With an increasing overweight population some people think universities should make sport a compulsory module on all degree courses. To what extent do you agree? v.1

With an increasing overweight population some people think universities should make sport a compulsory module on all degree courses. v. 1
Many believe that college's should make physical activities a mandatory part of the curriculum, this is because, obesity is becoming a growing problem. I agree with this notion to some extent. This essay will discuss how university faciliates excersice, and how some majors are too busy to incorporate subjects such as sports. The dilemma of obesity can be tackled through university. This is where students spend 60% of their day. Therefore, a fraction of this time should be spent on sports. In addition to this, in order to reach the maximum capacity of learning, one must have a sound mental state, which comes through excercise. Furthermore, considering students are paying for these sports facilities as part of their education fees, they should use them. For example, in The University Of Argentina, in 2018, its attendee's where forced to take a class in football one hour per day. They were weighed before and after this system was put into place. Consequently, 70% of the team had lost 40% of their initial body weight. Overall, targeting college's for weight loss schemes has proven to be very effective. However, there are numerous reasons why integrating sports in Universities should not be an absolute imperative. Firstly, some people are immobile and handicapped, for this reason they cannot participate, it would be pointless to make them join in. Secondly, another collection of students are on scholarship in faculties such as Medicine, it would be reckless and unfair to force them to take time out of their studies. Thus, they do not have the time or energy. For instance, I am a practicing doctor in medical school, I do not have much time to do anything as my studies are very demanding and time consuming, being forced to do sports throughout my day would be draining and unneccessary. Undoubtedly, there are scenario's where one can simply not take part. In conclusion, while it is understandable that people would want to tackle the issue of obesity through essential sports classes because of its many benefits, it is not attainable nor realistic.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that college's should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
physical activities a mandatory part of the curriculum, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, obesity is becoming a growing problem. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. This essay will discuss how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
Possible spelling mistake found.
faciliates
Possible spelling mistake found.
excersice
, and how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
majors are too busy to incorporate subjects such as sports.

The dilemma of obesity can
be tackled
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. This is where students spend 60% of their day.
Therefore
, a fraction of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In addition
to this, in order to reach the maximum capacity of learning, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a sound mental state, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
through
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercise
.
Furthermore
, considering students are paying for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities as part of their education fees, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
For example
, in The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
Of Argentina, in 2018, its
Consider using the plural form here: "attendees".
attendee's
where forced to take a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
in football one hour per day. They
were weighed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and after this system
was put
into place.
Consequently
, 70% of the team had lost 40% of their initial body weight.
Overall
, targeting college's for weight loss schemes has proven to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective.

However
, there are numerous reasons why integrating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
should not be an absolute imperative.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are immobile and handicapped,
for this reason
they cannot participate, it would be pointless to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in.
Secondly
, another collection of students are on scholarship in faculties such as Medicine, it would be reckless and unfair to force them to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
out of their studies.
Thus
, they do not have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or energy.
For instance
, I am a practicing doctor in medical school, I do not have much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do anything as my studies are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
demanding and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
,
being forced
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
throughout my day would be draining and
Possible spelling mistake found.
unneccessary
.
Undoubtedly
, there are
Consider using the plural form here: "scenarios".
scenario's
where one can
simply
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
.

In conclusion
, while it is understandable that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would want to tackle the issue of obesity through essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits, it is not attainable nor realistic.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay With an increasing overweight population some people think universities should make sport a compulsory module on all degree courses. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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