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Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children? v.6

Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children? With the emergence and development of vaccines, many common childhood diseases can be now easily tackled. But the question of whether these vaccines should be mandatory for every child or can be chosen voluntarily by their parents remains very much controversial. I personally believe that in a modern world there is always a choice that an individual makes in every aspect of his life. The medicine which to undergo, in my opinion, should also be a matter of choice, not an obligation. First of all, the medication industry represents an enormous part of the world economy, and the global pharmaceutical market is valued at about 1. 25 trillion U. S. dollars, according to Statista. For me personally, this number means that medical researchers and organisations now more strive for gaining some profits rather than reducing the number of health problems among people. While immunisation against such fatal diseases as measles or tetanus could be effective, little information has been disclosed to the public about the content of vaccines and possible harmful effects they may cause. Due to the huge amount of money circulating in this industry, the disclosure of this information may result in massive public outrage which, in turn, may incite a widespread denial of immunisation against common childhood diseases. Secondly, it is also a known fact the human body is able to resist a disease that it faces, and, thus, produce its own natural immunity. When it comes to the common childhood diseases that a child can tackle without harmful medical intervention, why then the government should oblige parents to immunise children and put them at a potential risk of getting any other health problems? If vaccines harm an individual’s natural ability to resist common diseases, the government making immunisation mandatory for everyone, may create an extremely vulnerable society that is not physically able to overcome any common health disease. For these reasons, I strongly believe that immunisation programs against common childhood diseases should not be mandatory and it should always be left up to the parent how to treat his child’s health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of vaccines.

Should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
be made
by law to
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunise’ is British English.
immunise
their children against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
or should individuals have the right to choose not to
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunise’ is British English.
immunise
their children?

With the emergence and development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vaccines
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
easily
tackled.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vaccines
should be mandatory for every child or can
be chosen
voluntarily
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
remains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much controversial. I
personally
believe that in a modern world there is always a choice that an individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
in every aspect of his life. The medicine which to undergo, in my opinion, should
also
be a matter of choice, not an obligation.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, the medication industry represents an enormous part of the world economy, and the global pharmaceutical market
is valued
at about 1. 25 trillion U. S. dollars, according to Statista.

For me
personally
, this number means that medical researchers and
Possible spelling mistake. ‘organisations’ is British English.
organisations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
more strive for gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profits
rather
than reducing the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

While
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunisation’ is British English.
immunisation
against such fatal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
as measles or tetanus could be effective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
information has
been disclosed
to the public about the content of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vaccines
and possible harmful effects they may cause. Due to the huge amount of money circulating in this industry, the disclosure of this information may result in massive public outrage which, in turn, may incite a widespread denial of
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunisation’ is British English.
immunisation
against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
childhood diseases.

Secondly
, it is
also
a known fact the human body is able to resist a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
that it faces, and,
thus
, produce its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
natural immunity. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that a child can tackle without harmful medical intervention, why then the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should oblige
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunise’ is British English.
immunise
children and put them at a potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems? If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vaccines
harm an individual’s natural ability to resist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
making
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunisation’ is British English.
immunisation
mandatory for everyone, may create an
extremely
vulnerable society
that is
not
physically
able to overcome any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
disease.

For these reasons, I
strongly
believe that
Possible spelling mistake. ‘immunisation’ is British English.
immunisation
programs against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
common
childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
should not be
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mandatory and
it should always be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
how to treat his child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
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Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
383 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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