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some people believe that tourists do not learn anything during their holidays, while others believe they learn a lot. discuss both views and opine. v.1

some people believe that tourists do not learn anything during their holidays, while others believe they learn a lot. v. 1
Nowadays, many people are suffering from different types of cancer due to the consumption of smoke. These dangerous effects are well-known to the society by the advertisements and other social networks, but many people are not leaving this habit, because of serious addiction towards them. However, there are several reasons for this situation and this can be controlled by implementing certain rules and regulations to the people. Firstly, students are the major part of this activity, because they are attracted to this by seeing their neighbours and some of their classmates are also responsible to attract them. Every person who smokes feel that they attain comfort from the cigarettes, but they don't know how it affects their organs and how it leads to severe health problems. Secondly, parents who have this habit in their routine life are also responsible for their children's lifestyle, who learn those unnecessary things from their fathers. For instance, one of my friends addicted to cigarette smoking by seeing his father. There are numerous solutions to tackle this condition. First of all, people tend to aware of this, which leads to lung cancer and other health issues. The government also takes measures to reduce this habit by strictly prohibiting cigarette smoking in public places. Although the law enforcement agency implement rules, but some people violating these rules, in that case, the person must be punished and imposing a certain amount of fine to him. These solutions are not readily banned the smoking, but somewhat decreasing in public areas. To conclude, I reiterate my statement by saying that there are many reasons for this cause, but it can be reduced only by making an awareness program.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of cancer due to the consumption of smoke. These
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
effects are well-known to the society by the advertisements and other social networks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not leaving this habit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of serious addiction towards them.
However
, there are several reasons for this situation and this can
be controlled
by implementing certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Firstly
, students are the major part of this activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are attracted
to this by seeing their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their classmates are
also
responsible to attract them. Every person who smokes feel that they attain comfort from the cigarettes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they don't know how it affects their organs and how it leads to severe health problems.
Secondly
, parents who have this habit in their routine life are
also
responsible for their children's lifestyle, who learn those unnecessary things from their fathers.
For instance
, one of my friends addicted to cigarette smoking by seeing his father.

There are numerous solutions to tackle this condition.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to aware of this, which leads to lung cancer and other health issues. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
takes measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this habit by
strictly
prohibiting cigarette smoking in public places. Although the law enforcement agency implement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
violating these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
in that case
, the person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be punished
and imposing a certain amount of fine to him. These solutions are not
readily
banned the smoking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
somewhat decreasing in public areas.

To conclude
, I reiterate my statement by saying that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this cause,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by making an awareness program.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay some people believe that tourists do not learn anything during their holidays, while others believe they learn a lot. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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