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Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 1
Over the past few years, with the invention and popularization of new technologies, current generation tends to differ from the people who belonged to the olden era in many ways. While, many people have voiced their opinion that the time kids invest in watching the television and playing video games can be harmful to them, others don't agree and believe that these can be beneficial. I believe although, there are many benefits to the above mentioned activities, certain drawbacks should be considered. Everyone has favourite pastime, which allows the person to indulge in some interesting work and therefore, helps to relieve all the stress. This holds true for the children as well, because after the long day at school, he/she feels mentally drained. For instance, a preferred cartoon show or a computer game can cheer up the kid. As a result, the child feels enthusiastic and pumped up for the day. Furthermore, TV programmes can be very informative and games can help them tackle few situations with their presence of mind. For example, in an interview, a young boy in my city who won the national science quiz mentioned that some shows related to science helped him answer many questions. However, anything done in excess can be the reason for addiction. This is because, many little ones have lost the most precious time of their lives by engaging themselves in addictive games. To illustrate, the recent trend of the game called PUBG created sensation. It became the most loved game among youngsters and also the reason for untimely deaths of many teens due to excessive exposure. In addition, being fascinated and enchanted, the juveniles get deviated from their path of education and end up in miserable state. In conclusion, even though there are various flaws of being drifted away and becoming sluggish, I believe, technology, if allowed to use under parental guidance with restrictions on the time period, these can prove to be stress busters and helpful to the kids.
Over the past few years, with the invention and popularization of new technologies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation tends to differ from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who belonged to the olden era in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. While,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have voiced their opinion that the time kids invest in watching the television and playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be harmful to them, others don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and believe that these can be beneficial. I believe although, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to the above mentioned activities, certain drawbacks should
be considered
.

Everyone has
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
pastime, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the person to indulge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
interesting work and
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to relieve all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. This holds true for the children
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after the long day at school, he/she feels mentally drained.
For instance
, a preferred cartoon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
or a computer game can cheer up the kid.
As a result
, the child feels enthusiastic and pumped up for the day.
Furthermore
, TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
informative and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them tackle few situations with their presence of mind.
For example
, in an interview, a young boy in my city who won the national science quiz mentioned that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
related to science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him answer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
questions.

However
, anything done in excess can be the reason for addiction. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
ones have lost the most precious time of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
by engaging themselves in addictive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. To illustrate, the recent trend of the game called PUBG created sensation. It became the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
game among youngsters and
also
the reason for
untimely
deaths of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
teens due to excessive exposure.
In addition
,
being fascinated
and enchanted, the juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
deviated from their path of education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in miserable state.

In conclusion
,
even though
there are various flaws of
being drifted
away and becoming sluggish, I believe, technology, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
under parental guidance with restrictions on the time period, these can prove to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
busters and helpful to the kids.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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