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Some people say that the government should put money in the Arts, such as music, opera and paintings. Other people think money should be spent on construction of public facilities instead. What is your opinion. v.1

Some people say that the government should put money in the Arts, such as music, opera and paintings. Other people think money should be spent on construction of public facilities instead. What is your opinion. v. 1
It is imperative that governments spend the available fund for the most effective public services of the nation which is beneficial to society at large. Some people believe that governments should allocate sufficient fund for promoting music and arts; However, others think that is a waste of money. From my point of view, countries should employ most of their funds in important public services rather spending money on entertainment activities. Firstly, the governments all over the world have the responsibility to ensure that every citizen of the country is educated, at least to read and write. The investment in education will be in the form of establishing more schools, universities and vocational training centres for the school dropouts. Additionally, it is vital that everyone in the society has the means to get the basic health benefits. Governments can invest in the health sector in many ways. The medical practitioners should be taken care by providing them with the sufficient remuneration and benefits so that the important skill migration in the medical field of the country could be avoided. Also, the authorities can educate the general public and implement many vaccination programs across the countries to eradicate many diseases. Lastly, states’ funds should be deployed in putting up proper transport network systems such as the building of metro-train facility around the city. More lanes on the highway roads can be built to facilitate the car-pooling for the commuters. This facility will reduce the carbon fuel emission and helps to reduce the global warming. I do appreciate that some people think differently, saying that the arts have a significant impact on our quality of life. Many people get great pleasure in going to see music and theater performances. It is true that the investment in art is beneficial to the promotion of the country's soft power and the improvement of residents' quality of life when the basic lives are guaranteed. Nevertheless, with a limited budget, there is nothing wrong with the government giving priority to livelihoods. In conclusion, governments should spend a major portion of their funds on highly demanding public-service sectors such as health, education and public transportation rather than spending a huge money on the entertainment sectors such as theatres and music.
It is imperative that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
spend the available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
for the most effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
services of the nation which is beneficial to society at large.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should allocate sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
for promoting music and arts;
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
a waste of money. From my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should employ most of their funds in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
services
rather
spending money on entertainment activities.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
all over the world have the responsibility to ensure that every citizen of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is educated
, at least to read and write. The investment in education will be in the form of establishing more schools, universities and vocational training
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
for the school dropouts.
Additionally
, it is vital that everyone in the society has the means to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the basic health benefits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
can invest in the health sector in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. The medical practitioners should
be taken
care by providing them with the sufficient remuneration and benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
migration in the medical field of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
could
be avoided
.
Also
, the authorities can educate the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
and implement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vaccination programs across the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to eradicate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases.
Lastly
, states’ funds should
be deployed
in putting up proper transport network systems such as the building of metro-train facility around the city. More lanes on the highway roads can
be built
to facilitate the car-pooling for the commuters. This facility will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the carbon fuel emission and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the global warming.

I do appreciate that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
differently
, saying that the arts have a significant impact on our quality of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
great pleasure in going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
music and theater performances. It is true that the investment in art is beneficial to the promotion of the country's soft power and the improvement of residents' quality of life when the basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are guaranteed
.
Nevertheless
, with a limited budget, there is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
giving priority to livelihoods.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend a major portion of their funds on
highly
demanding public-service sectors such as health, education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transportation
rather
than spending
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "huge money".
a huge money
on the entertainment sectors such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and music.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people say that the government should put money in the Arts, such as music, opera and paintings. Other people think money should be spent on construction of public facilities instead. What is your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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