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Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 3
Nowadays, television, video and computer games play a key role in child's life. Few people believe that children who are spending time on television and video or computer games will be more benefited, others think this has harmful effects on them. Here, we are going to discuss how they can gain knowledge and can become sharp thinkers by using them as well as drawbacks such as addiction, obesity, impact on studies and exposure to harmful content. First, let us see how children can gain more general knowledge by watching television and how they can become smarter by playing video or computer games. If children play video games, then there are plenty of chances that they can think in various ways which obviously leads them to become sharp thinkers. By watching Television, they will get to know what is happening around them all over the world. Next, we are going to see side effects of spending time on television and video games such as addiction, obesity, violence, effect on studies and exposure to bad content. Many surveys explained how children become addicted to games, therefore they just like to play for hours without even moving which absolutely leads to addiction and this lack of physical activity leads to obesity. For example, if we see children who play war games which involves gun shooting become more violent than children who doesn't play. All of these impact on their studies. There are multiple chances that the children can get exposure to negative content by watching television if parents do not take enough precautions. According my opinion, if we put a time limit for them to spend time on television and video or computer games, then they will get more benefit.
Nowadays,
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television
,
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video
and computer
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games
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play
a key role in child's life. Few
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people
believe that
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children
who are spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
or computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will be more benefited, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this has harmful effects on them. Here, we are going to discuss how they can gain knowledge and can
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become
sharp thinkers by using them
as well
as drawbacks such as addiction, obesity, impact on studies and exposure to harmful content.

First
,
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let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how
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children
can gain more general knowledge by watching
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television
and how they can
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become
smarter by playing
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video
or computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. If
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children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, then there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of chances that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in various ways which
obviously
leads them to
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become
sharp thinkers. By watching
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Television
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know what is happening around them all over the world.

Next
, we are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
side effects of spending
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time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as addiction, obesity, violence, effect on studies and exposure to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
content.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
surveys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
how
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children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
addicted to
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games
,
therefore
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like to
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play
for hours without even moving which
absolutely
leads to addiction and this lack of physical activity leads to obesity.
For example
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
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children
who
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play
war
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games
which involves gun shooting
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become
more violent than
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children
who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
doesn
't
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play
. All of these impact on their studies. There are multiple chances that the
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children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exposure to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
content by watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
if parents do not take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
precautions.

It appears that a preposition is missing after 'According'.
According my
opinion, if we put a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
limit for them to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
or computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, then they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more benefit.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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