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Some people believe that the women should play an equal role as men in country’s police and military fierce, such as army, while others, think women are not suitable for these king of work. Discuss and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that the women should play an equal role as men in country’s police and military fierce, such as army, while others, think women are not suitable for these king of work. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1
Nowadays, more women are joining in nation’s military and police forces and have contribute significantly at both war sites as well as civil regions. However, some people believe women can’t work in these forces due to physical hardships. In the following passage, I will explain the important needs for women to be employed before declaring my stance. At present, increasing number of women showing interest to work in country’s military force is an eccentric change happening in our country. As they undergo various trainings to empower them to work in any situations gives you both mental and physical stability to embrace the challenges. For instance, in US military force many women have played vital role during Iraq war. This shows that they are capable enough to work in war sites. In addition, for both army civil and administration departments are employed with women employees. Therefore, even though there is enormous physical strain in the war sites, with the advance training programmes will aid them to work any locations. Furthermore, women play a significant role in police forces as they need to handle women offenders. For example, a recent robbery case in Chennai, 2 women were suspected, and taken to custody, in such instance women police are effective used to interrogate them to prevent from any sensitive issue if they were handled by men police team. Moreover, it is believed that they have better view in analysing criminal cases. Thus, it is assumed women are greatly required to handle woman criminals and to investigate the case with different approach. To conclude, few decades ago, people were hesitant of women joining nation’s military forces, but the situation has changed, where they are trained to work any situations and they can contribute effectively too.
Nowadays, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are joining in nation’s military and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
and have
Use past participle here: "contributed".
contribute
significantly
at both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
sites
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
civil regions.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
due to physical hardships. In the following passage, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
needs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
be employed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
declaring my stance.

At present, increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
showing interest to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in country’s military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
is an eccentric
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
happening in our country. As they undergo various trainings to empower them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in any situations gives you both mental and physical stability to embrace the challenges.
For instance
, in US military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have played vital role during Iraq
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that they are capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
sites.
In addition
, for both army civil and administration departments
are employed
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employees.
Therefore
,
even though
there is enormous physical strain in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
sites, with the advance training
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
will aid them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
any locations.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
play a significant role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
as they need to handle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
offenders.
For example
, a recent robbery case in Chennai, 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were suspected
, and taken to custody, in such instance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
are effective
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to interrogate them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from any sensitive issue if they
were handled
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
team.
Moreover
, it
is believed
that they have better view in
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
criminal cases.
Thus
, it
is assumed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
greatly
required to handle woman criminals and to investigate the case with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
approach.

To conclude
, few decades ago,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were hesitant of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
joining nation’s military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the situation has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, where they
are trained
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
any
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
situations and
they can contribute
effectively
too.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that the women should play an equal role as men in country’s police and military fierce, such as army, while others, think women are not suitable for these king of work. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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