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Some people believe that the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing to the gap between poor people and rich people, while others say this is an opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing to the gap between poor people and rich people, while others say this is an opposite effect. v. 1
People have different views about whether the emergence of technology nowadays, has bridged the gap between rich and poor or vice versa. However, in my viewpoint, it has been playing its part to integrate people belonging to different economic levels. At the outset, in my view, a transition of a decreasing difference between different economic groups has stemmed due to the invent of technology. Smartphones with the internet facility, once a luxury and not an affordable item, nowadays, have enabled everyone to make relations with each other regardless of their economic status. For instance, it is a common sight to see renowned celebrate such as Mr Amitabh Bachchan and a common rickshaw puller to use the same social media platform like Tweeter. Moreover, the mass production, which is the result of industrialisation, has made it possible to wear similar clothes such as Levis, to use the same vehicles and to have similar household appliances such as television. Otherwise, in the past, these things were not affordable for less privileged people due to high manufacturing cost. On the other hand, the major culprit behind the increment of the gap between rich and poor is also technology in the case of labour work. Firstly, washing machines and dishwashers have replaced domestic servants especially, in the urban areas, whereas this advancement has become commonplace in the rural areas. Secondly, in the case of the agricultural industry, the entire manual labour has become obsolete because of the increasing popular machinery used for spraying, cutting and watering the crops. To cite an example from my own experience, advanced tractors are used for ploughing the fields instead of manual workers, and it has given the benefit to the farmers because they can get more work done at less cost. In conclusion, while in a few sectors, technology has widened the gap between poor and rich, overall it seems more advantageous to bring different individuals closer, I believe.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
views about whether the emergence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
nowadays, has bridged the gap between rich and poor or vice versa.
However
, in my viewpoint, it has been playing its part to integrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
belonging to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
economic levels.

At the outset, in my view, a transition of a decreasing difference between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
economic groups has stemmed due to the
The word 'invent' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "invention"?
invent
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Smartphones with the internet facility, once a luxury and not an affordable item, nowadays, have enabled everyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
relations with each other regardless of their economic status.
For instance
, it is a common sight to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
renowned celebrate such as Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Amitabh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bachchan
and a common rickshaw puller to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the same social media platform like Tweeter.
Moreover
, the mass production, which is the result of
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
, has made it possible to wear similar clothes such as Levis, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the same vehicles and to have similar household appliances such as television.
Otherwise
, in the past, these things were not affordable for less privileged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
due to high manufacturing cost.

On the other hand
, the major culprit behind the increment of the gap between rich and poor is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in the case of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
work.
Firstly
, washing machines and dishwashers have replaced domestic servants
especially
, in the urban areas, whereas this advancement has become commonplace in the rural areas.
Secondly
, in the case of the agricultural industry, the entire manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
has become obsolete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the increasing popular machinery
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for spraying, cutting and watering the crops. To cite an example from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, advanced tractors are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
ploughing
the fields
instead
of manual workers, and it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the benefit to the farmers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more work done at less cost.

In conclusion
, while in a few sectors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has widened the gap between poor and rich,
overall
it seems more advantageous to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
individuals closer, I believe.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people believe that the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing to the gap between poor people and rich people, while others say this is an opposite effect. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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