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Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think it is having an opposite effect. Discuss both of these points of view. What is your opinion on that issue? v.3

Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think it is having an opposite effect. What is your opinion on that issue? v. 3
Today, modernization has revolutionised humans’ lifestyles fundamentally. Industrialisation has made our world a better place for living, although some individuals believe that this has been more useful to more affluent citizens. From my perspective, these advancements have led all humans to live better, even the deprived ones. On the one hand, those who believe that by the development of technology, the rich have gained more beneficiaries have their own reasons. One is that luxury lifestyle has become more popular globally. The more luxury goods are produced by different companies, the more well-to-do citizens have more choices to purchase more variety of magnificent items. For instance, in 2015, Apple, a well-known electronic corporation in the USA, has produced a new version of Apple cell phone as size as a watch with the price of over $20000. Therefore, this watch will be affordable to those having tremendous saving. In addition, in trading, richer countries have a better access to the latest technology of e-commerce, while the poor ones, higher expenditure avoids them to compete with the former and the globalisation has increased the gap between the developed and underdeveloped nations. On the other hand, I personally agree with those believing that modernization has had more positive influences on both rich and poor people. One important impact is that all nations have a better access to more highly developed health system. For example, even in remote areas of Africa, MRI is used for diagnosing of diseases, and its technology can be compared to the one which is being used in the USA. In addition, travelling facilities have been altered dramatically. Had not aviation technology been developed so fast, less general people would have used low-cost airlines. In the past, only the rich could pay the ticket of an airplane, but now even a simple worker and his family can afford the fee of a flight annually. In conclusion, some may believe that the more the technology develops, the more wealthy citizens have better living conditions. However, I personally agree that this can influence the level of accessing to medical services and travelling facilities, and the poor’s lifestyles have been and will be improved far significantly.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, modernization has
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
humans’ lifestyles
fundamentally
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Industrialisation' is British English.
Industrialisation
has made our world a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
place for living, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that this has been more useful to more affluent citizens. From my perspective, these advancements have led all humans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
, even the deprived ones.

On the one hand, those who believe that by the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, the rich have gained more beneficiaries have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons. One is that luxury lifestyle has become more popular globally. The more luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
are produced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, the more well-to-do citizens have more choices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
more variety of magnificent items.
For instance
, in 2015, Apple, a well-known electronic corporation in the USA, has produced a new version of Apple cell phone as size as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
with the price of over $20000.
Therefore
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
will be affordable to those having tremendous saving.
In addition
, in trading, richer countries have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
access to the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
of e-commerce, while the poor ones, higher expenditure avoids them to compete with the former and the
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
has increased the gap between the developed and underdeveloped nations.

On the other hand
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those believing that modernization has had more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influences on both rich and poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
impact is that all nations have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
access to more
highly
developed health system.
For example
, even in remote areas of Africa, MRI is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for diagnosing of diseases, and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
be compared
to the one which is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the USA.
In addition
, travelling facilities have
been altered
dramatically
. Had not aviation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
been developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
, less general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
low-cost airlines. In the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the rich could pay the ticket of an airplane,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
even a simple worker and his family can afford the fee of a flight
annually
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may believe that the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
develops, the more wealthy citizens have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
living conditions.
However
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this can influence the level of accessing to medical services and travelling facilities, and the poor’s lifestyles have been and will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
far
significantly
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think it is having an opposite effect. What is your opinion on that issue? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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