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Some people believe that the money spend on space exploration technology is not justifiable. The money can be spent on other beneficial things. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that the money spend on space exploration technology is not justifiable. The money can be spent on other beneficial things. v. 2
It is argued by some people that the money spent on exploring the space is being wasted since there are more important things that require these finances. I disagree with this notion, as space explorations result in more discoveries useful for humans, while the industry provides employment opportunities for more people. First of all, the space exploration technology have provided new discoveries beneficial for humans. In other words, there are new discoveries in various sector derived from exploring the space and much more could be discovered. For example, during the early years of discovering things outside our immediate atmosphere, the Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine was discovered, which is now use for medical imaging. Although, the money could have been used for infrastructural developments and health care, many people would have being dying from disease that could not be discovered. This shows the importance of space exploration technology. Furthermore, the space industry creates employment opportunities for many people. This occurs because the industry is huge and it is ever expanding. Thus, there are job offers for astronauts, physicists and mechanical engineers. For example, a recent report by the Times Magazine revealed that a third of the physicists in the United States of America are employed in the space industry. Despite the fact that the money could have been used to finance the public transportation system in many countries, the enormous number of people in the makes space exploration technology industry justifiable. In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that space exploration technology does not worth the amount of money spent on it owing to the discoveries from it and the numerous job offers from it.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on exploring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
is
being wasted
since there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that require these finances. I disagree with this notion, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
explorations
result in more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discoveries
useful for humans, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
provides employment opportunities for more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
technology have provided new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discoveries
beneficial for humans.
In other words
, there are new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discoveries
in various sector derived from exploring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
and much more could
be discovered
.
For example
, during the early years of discovering things outside our immediate atmosphere, the Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine
was discovered
, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Consider using a past participle here: "used".
use
for medical imaging. Although, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for infrastructural developments and health care,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would have being dying from disease that could not
be discovered
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
technology.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
creates employment opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This occurs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is huge and it is ever expanding.
Thus
, there are job offers for astronauts, physicists and mechanical engineers.
For example
, a recent report by the Times Magazine revealed that a third of the physicists in the United States of America
are employed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. Despite the fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to finance the public transportation system in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the enormous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
justifiable.

In conclusion
, I disagree with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
technology does not worth the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on it owing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discoveries
from it and the numerous job offers from it.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that the money spend on space exploration technology is not justifiable. The money can be spent on other beneficial things. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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