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Some people believe that technology has made man more social. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v. 123 v.11

Some people believe that technology has made man more social. with this opinion? v. 123 v. 11
It is argued by some that people are increasing their sociability because of technology's globalization. I agree with this because using the internet and portable devices, everybody can be connected all the time with others. Despite this, humans are losing the capacity to be in contact face to face and just they just share their life in a virtual way. First of all, advances in social media allow that people can meet each other and get a conversation with new friends around the world. Also, they can be connected with old friends and family all the time in a couple of minutes, not being the distance between them a problem at all. For instance, there are many groups in the internet where fans of something; such a movie, music band and so on, can share information and experiences with others in their similar situation. On the other hand, it is important to get together with friends face to face and experience moments in real places, no just virtual ones. For example, some people organize a meeting with friends, but they are using their mobile phones and watching the screen during the event, instead of being with them and having a conversation. In these cases, technology turns as a kind of addiction, and people can live without it. To sum up, nowadays technology has a huge importance in the modern society, and that is understandable due to it is an amazing tool for meeting people from other countries and being connected all the time. Thus, in some instances for some is difficult to stop watching their devices, being that a kind of addiction. For that reason, it is crucial to have a balance between virtual and real life.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are increasing their sociability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technology's globalization. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
using the internet and portable devices, everybody can
be connected
all the time with others. Despite this, humans are losing the capacity to be in contact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
share their life
Consider replacing "in a virtual way" with the adverb for "virtual"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a virtual way
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, advances in social media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a conversation with new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
around the world.
Also
, they can
be connected
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and family all the time in a couple of minutes, not being the distance between them a problem at all.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
groups
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
where fans of something; such a movie, music band and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, can share information and experiences with others in their similar situation.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
and experience moments in real places,
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
virtual ones.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
organize a meeting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are using their mobile phones and watching the screen during the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
,
instead
of being with them and having a conversation. In these cases, technology turns as a kind of addiction, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without it.

To sum up, nowadays technology has a huge importance in the modern society, and
that is
understandable due to it is an amazing tool for meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries and
being connected
all the time.
Thus
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
instances for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
is difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
watching their devices, being that a kind of addiction. For that reason, it is crucial to have a balance between virtual and real life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that technology has made man more social. with this opinion? v. 123 v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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