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Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. Why do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v.1

Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. Why do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v. 1
In the contemporary world, there is a belief that our community is becoming less close-knit. In this essay, I will explain the reasons for this phenomenon and figure out some cures to addressing this. There are two pivotal factors that cause our social relationships drifting apart. First, technology development, especially the Internet, make people focusing on virtual life more. For instance, many people are stuck behind their computer all day to surfing the web, make new friends on social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, … instead of concerning about their factual relationships. Second, nowadays, the burden on each individual is becoming heavier and heavier. We need to compete vigorously with each other to promote on the career ladder, work hard to gain enough money to supply our high living standard. That is the reasons why people do not have enough time and energy to care about others anymore. However, some measures can be taken to preserve the friendly relationships in our society. First, individuals should learn how to manage well the time they spend on social networking sites. For example, we just utilise the Internet when needed, we curtail the time for surfing the web and using technology gadgets. Instead, we can hang out with our friends or have dinner with our family. Second, it is really important to maintain a work-life balance. People should not be too insatiable in the workplace. Of course, being motivated is good but we need to know spending time on other aspects of our life such as family, marriage, friendship, etc. In conclusion, although our community is not as friendly as before, but by identifying the reasons, we can take some solutions to make our society more close-knit.
In the contemporary world, there is a belief that our community is becoming less close-knit. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons for this phenomenon and figure out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cures to addressing this.

There are two pivotal factors that cause our social relationships drifting apart.
First
, technology development,
especially
the Internet,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
focusing on virtual life more.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are stuck
behind their computer all day to surfing the web,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends on social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, …
instead
of concerning about their factual relationships. Second, nowadays, the burden on each individual is becoming heavier and heavier. We need to compete
vigorously
with each other to promote on the career ladder, work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to supply our high living standard.
That is
the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy to care about others anymore.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures can
be taken
to preserve the friendly relationships in our society.
First
, individuals should learn how to manage well the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend on social networking sites.
For example
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
the Internet when needed, we curtail the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for surfing the web and using technology gadgets.
Instead
, we can hang out with our friends or have dinner with our family. Second, it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain a work-life balance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should not be too insatiable in the workplace.
Of course
,
being motivated
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we need to know spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on other aspects of our life such as family, marriage, friendship, etc.

In conclusion
, although our community is not as friendly as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by identifying the reasons, we can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our society more close-knit.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. Why do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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