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Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. W¬¬hy do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v.2

Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. W¬¬hy do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v. 2
In this day and age, grown ups participate less in sports and physical pursuits. It is often argued that people can be motivated to increase their standard of living through recreational activities and contests, while others feel that good effective measures are available than these events. This essay will discuss both the views and agree that such sport competitions play a pivotal role in encouraging people to do more exercise. Nowadays, sports are ubiquitous and teenagers partake more in leisure amenities as compared to adults. If a country organizes the Olympics or the World Cup, people are attracted towards games which they never knew existed. During these events, many advertisements promote sportsmen and people get more influenced through these commercials. A survey done last year in India exhibits that more than 50% of the population has shown keen interest in exercises during the same year. Therefore, owing to the problems which a large number of overweight people cause for the health care system, organizing events related to games are necessary to foster citizens to live a healthy life. Despite this, there are better ways to inspire elders to incorporate exercise into their daily life. People are so busy with their work that they hardly have time to do some activity. The multinational companies should open gyms and workout areas at their office, so that whenever employees have free time in between work they can do some fitness tasks. For example, the Apple company has a fitness zone for its workforce in every branch all over the world. Hence, the employers play an important role in boosting workers to take part in physical activities. In conclusion, although there are many ways to motivate people to stay fit and healthy, sporting contests and events play a vital role. It is recommended that governments should conduct public awareness campaigns to educate citizens about the benefits of staying fit and healthy.
In this day and age,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
participate less in sports and physical pursuits. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be motivated
to increase their standard of living through recreational activities and contests, while others feel that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
effective measures are
Use "(available)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
available
than these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. This essay will discuss both the views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that such sport competitions play a pivotal role in encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do more exercise.

Nowadays, sports are ubiquitous and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
partake more in leisure amenities as compared to adults. If a country organizes the Olympics or the World Cup,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are attracted
towards games which they never knew existed. During these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advertisements promote sportsmen and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more influenced through these commercials. A survey done last year in India exhibits that more than 50% of the population has shown keen interest in exercises during the same year.
Therefore
, owing to the problems which
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cause for the health care system, organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
related to games are necessary to foster citizens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life.

Despite this, there are better ways to inspire elders to incorporate exercise into their daily life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy with their work that they hardly have time to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activity. The multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should open gyms and workout areas at their office,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that whenever employees have free time in between work they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fitness tasks.
For example
, the Apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
has a fitness zone for its workforce in every branch all over the world.
Hence
, the employers play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in boosting workers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in physical activities.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay fit and healthy, sporting contests and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
play a vital role. It
is recommended
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should conduct public awareness campaigns to educate citizens about the benefits of staying fit and healthy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that society is becoming less friendly these days. W¬¬hy do you think this might be? Suggest some ways in which this can be reversed. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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