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Some people believe that schools should only teach children’s subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Some people believe that schools should only teach children’s subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. with this statement? v. 1
It has been suggested that schools should only focus on teaching academic subjects since they are vitally important to children’s future career path. Therefore, other subjects such as sports and music should be ignored. Nevertheless, I completely disagree with this view because of the following reasons. Obviously, non-academic subjects like sports and music play an important role in an individual’s well-rounded growth. First, practising sports could contribute to building a healthy and flexible body. For instance, doing regular physical exercise could enable children to build stronger muscles and bonds which are essential for children’s physical growth in the long run. Not only does this helps student to develop an active and healthy lifestyle, it also frees them from the stuffy atmosphere in class rooms. Second, music could exert significant impacts on children’s cognitive and intellectual development. Scientifically, children are able to develop the areas of brain related to language and reasoning better than others thanks to musical training. For example, students playing musical instruments from the early time may find it easier to learn foreign languages and be able to solve math problems. Furthermore, in a competitive job market, academic qualifications and specialized knowledge might not be decisive factors for children to achieve their career success. In fact, if children are well-equipped themselves with interpersonal skills, problem-solving ability and critical thinking, this will give them a competitive edge to enhance their employment opportunities. Thus, the academic are just necessary conditions for them to pursue their ideal job. In conclusion, I strongly believe that other subjects including sports and music should be considered as equal as professional subjects in school syllabus by virtue of their certain advantages and the negative aspects of academic knowledge on their future career.
It has
been suggested
that schools should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
since they are
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
future career path.
Therefore
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
Nevertheless
, I completely disagree with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons.

Obviously
, non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in an individual’s well-rounded growth.
First
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could contribute to building a healthy and flexible body.
For instance
, doing regular physical exercise could enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to build stronger muscles and bonds which are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physical growth in the long run. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this
Did you mean "help"?
helps
student to develop an active and healthy lifestyle, it
also
frees them from the stuffy atmosphere in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
rooms. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could exert significant impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
cognitive and intellectual development.
Scientifically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to develop the areas of brain related to language and reasoning better than others thanks to musical training.
For example
, students playing musical instruments from the early time may find it easier to learn foreign languages and be able to solve math problems.

Furthermore
, in a competitive job market,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
qualifications and specialized knowledge might not be decisive factors for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to achieve their career success. In fact, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are well-equipped themselves with interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, problem-solving ability and critical thinking, this will give them a competitive edge to enhance their employment opportunities.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
necessary conditions for them to pursue their ideal job.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be considered
as equal as professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in school syllabus by virtue of their certain advantages and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge on their future career.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that schools should only teach children’s subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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