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Some people believe that people should follow common manners of dining and greeting when following visiting foreign countries. Do you agree with this view. v.1

Some people believe that people should follow common manners of dining and greeting when following visiting foreign countries. Do you agree with this view. v. 1
Numerous people work for the number of hours and find very less space for recreational activities. In my opinion, the trend has more demerits than merits. There are some advantages of this phenomenon. Firstly, people who work for long hours can easily satisfy their luxurious needs such as big bungalow, long car and branded clothes. Even, they can do their treatment of the diseases in renowned hospitals and can send the children to reputed schools. Then, these students might be more successful in the future prospects which would help with economic growth of the country as well as make them affluent. For instance, United State Of America is developed country which is considered to be the richest in the world, therefore, scholars from all over the world come here to do studies. Despite of that, there are several disadvantages. Firstly, the quest to earn more cash force them to stay in office for a long time and individual become workaholic. Even though, they are earning large amount of money but could not have quality of time to spend with their family. Moreover, they have very less time to do leisure activities like sports, exercise and yoga, which would become a cause of severe ailments. It is a fact that one who involves himself in extracurricular activities is more healthier as well as proficient in his job than who do not. For example, a survey was conducted by an agency in which they were calculating health rate which was in favour of a person who had a habit of regular workout. Thus, in order to remain healthy people must inculcate the skills of exercise. To conclude, although rich people can satisfy their essential need, but to stay healthy one has to do training.
Numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work for the number of hours and find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less space for recreational activities. In my opinion, the trend has more demerits than merits.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of this phenomenon.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work for long hours can
easily
satisfy their luxurious needs such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
bungalow, long car and branded clothes. Even, they can do their treatment of the diseases in renowned hospitals and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
the children to reputed schools. Then, these students might be more successful in the future prospects which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with economic growth of the country
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them affluent.
For instance
, United State Of America is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
which
is considered
to be the richest in the world,
therefore
, scholars from all over the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
here to do studies.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
that, there are several disadvantages.
Firstly
, the quest to earn more cash force them to stay in office for a long time and individual become workaholic.
Even though
, they are earning large amount of money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could not have quality of time to spend with their family.
Moreover
, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less time to do leisure activities like sports, exercise and yoga, which would become a cause of severe ailments. It is a fact that one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
involves himself in extracurricular activities is
Use only "healthier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more healthier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as proficient in his job than
Did you mean "whom"?
who
do not.
For example
, a survey
was conducted
by an agency in which they were calculating health rate which was in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had a habit of regular workout.
Thus
, in order to remain healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
inculcate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of exercise.

To conclude
, although rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can satisfy their essential need,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to stay healthy one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do training.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that people should follow common manners of dining and greeting when following visiting foreign countries. Do you agree with this view. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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