Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people believe that parents should limit their children hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. Do you agree or disagree v.2

Some people believe that parents should limit their children hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. v. 2
Technology has been infiltrating into our daily life and now it seems that we cannot imagine living without it. Recently since the accessibility to tablets and TV shows for kids are also more convenience, children these days are raised with owning a tablet and carrying it around. I strongly agree that time kids spent on electronic devices, including television and computer, should be limit and they should spend more time on more traditional alternatives like books. Spending too much time on television can shortened kids’ attention span, while books doesn’t do so. According to recent research, multitasking decreased individual’s attention span when our focus are shift too often. The habit of multitasking came from being on phone and switching the things we do. For example, changing channels while in the middle of a video on YouTube is common, they get bored easily from the content. This instant switching of channels makes children shifts their attention to different contents too fast. Thus, decreasing their attention span. Some could argue that playing computer games are like exercise to the brain, but it comes with kids being more aggressive. While playing games kids may copied the action seen in the game and carry it out in real life, for example, punching. Another instance could be that after they lose a match, they became furious and this feeling is displaced onto family and friends. Scolding to parents when parents prevent them from playing games is also observed in many situations. In conclusion, my point of view stands firmed that hours on TV and computer games should be reduced due to many disadvantages that come with them. There are other things that can be done in their free time apart from being on electronic devices.
Technology has been infiltrating into our daily life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it seems that we cannot imagine living without it. Recently since the accessibility to tablets and TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are
also
more convenience, children these days
are raised
with owning a tablet and carrying it around. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spent on electronic devices, including television and computer, should be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
limit and
they should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on more traditional alternatives like books.

Spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on television can shortened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
span, while books doesn’t do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. According to recent research, multitasking decreased individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
span when our focus are shift too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
. The habit of multitasking came from being on phone and switching the things we do.
For example
, changing channels while in the middle of a video on YouTube is common, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored
easily
from the content. This instant switching of channels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
children shifts their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
contents too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
Thus
, decreasing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
span.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
could argue that playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are like exercise to the brain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
being more aggressive. While playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
may copied the action
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the game and carry it out in real life,
for example
, punching. Another instance could be that after they lose a match, they became furious and this feeling
is displaced
onto family and friends. Scolding to parents when parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
also
observed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
situations.

In conclusion
, my point of view stands firmed that hours on TV and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with them. There are other things that can
be done
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
apart from being on electronic devices.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that parents should limit their children hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts