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Some people believe that parents have a great influence on children’s growth but influences from the outside play a more important role. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that parents have a great influence on children’s growth but influences from the outside play a more important role. v. 1
In many countries, the number of the younger population who are less than 15 years old has increased significantly and to a certain extent, this has a detrimental effect on the society, workforce, and the country. This essay is going to shed light on both current and future effects of this trend in countries where the younger generation predominates the bigger portion of their population. With regard to the current effect, an increase in the proportion of the younger generation puts enormous pressure on education. To be specific, parents would have to suffer to send their children to a good school. Furthermore, the government also needs to increase the training of teachers as well as build more schools to meet the needs of students to go to school. If there are insufficient schools and qualified teachers, many poor parents would be forced to let their children work to earn money and this will increase child labour in many developing and underdeveloped countries. However, increasing the younger generation is not always a burden because they can also support the community also contribute to the family by sharing the workload. In terms of prospective influence, the growth of the younger generation boosts the economy developed, in turn putting pressure on employment for young workers. The developed countries, which have greater economic stability and be able to create plenty of job opportunities in the future, the under-aged population, who are accessible to absorb science and technology could become an abundant and a dynamic labour force thrive in modern industries that require a lot of intelligence. On the contrary, if the bucolic fails to ensure jobs and business opportunities when those children will become adults, the unemployment and crime rate would surely rise and the society would be affected negatively. In conclusion, an over-rising proportion of the under-15 people has both advantages and disadvantages for most countries. Conversely, if the government has proper development policies, the younger population will be potential in all aspects of that country.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
population who are less than 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
has increased
significantly
and to a certain extent, this has a detrimental effect on the society, workforce, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This essay is going to shed light on both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
and future effects of this trend in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation predominates the bigger portion of their population.

With regard to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
effect, an increase in the proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation puts enormous pressure on education. To be specific, parents would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
needs to increase the training of teachers
as well
as build more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the needs of students to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. If there are insufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and qualified teachers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
poor parents would
be forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their children work to earn money and this will increase child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developing and underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
However
, increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation is not always a burden
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
also
support the community
also
contribute to the family by sharing the workload.

In terms of prospective influence, the growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation boosts the economy developed, in turn putting pressure on employment for young workers. The developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, which have greater economic stability and be able to create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of job opportunities in the future, the under-aged population, who are accessible to absorb science and technology could become an abundant and a dynamic
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force thrive in modern industries that require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
intelligence.
On the contrary
, if the bucolic fails to ensure jobs and business opportunities when those children will become adults, the unemployment and crime rate would
surely
rise and the society would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
.

In conclusion
, an over-rising proportion of the under-15
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
both advantages and disadvantages for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Conversely
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has proper development policies, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
population will be potential in all aspects of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people believe that parents have a great influence on children’s growth but influences from the outside play a more important role. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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