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Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, other believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and examples. v.4

Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, other believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 4
For the most part, money is playing a fundamental role in our life. some of us think that they will become more happy with better finance; while others believe they are still delighted without massive financial support. From my perspective, each of the opinions has its own perks, but i tend to gravitate on the first idea. All of us are pursueing our career in order not to be worry about living conditions. we always consider money an indispensable way to get things. Earning money enables people to buy furniture, food, drinks, and many other tools. I am for instance studying at high school and working as a personal trainer at the same time. Although my parents can provide me with financial support, but i still work to live a better life. In addition, there are almost nothing which is given for free, and we need money to trade for it. You definitely can not get off the road without any money in your pocket. some people are enthusiastic about making profit, according to them, nothing is enough. However, everything has its downsides, so does this opinion. As i has mentioned above, nothing is enough. Someone who is crazy about it can possibly do harm to others. Businessmen are willing to play dirty with their opponents so as to get rid of them. The more people want money, the more bad things they will do. this is not the solution to happiness. In conclusion, money is a vital factor, but it is not everything. we need to have money, but there are also many other ways to achieve happiness.
For the most part
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is playing a fundamental role in our life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
of us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they will become more happy with better finance; while others believe they are
still
delighted without massive financial support. From my perspective, each of the opinions has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
tend to gravitate on the
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

All of us are
Possible spelling mistake found.
pursueing
our career in order not to be worry about living conditions.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
always consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
an indispensable way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
things. Earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
enables
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
furniture, food, drinks, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
tools. I am
for instance
studying at high school and working as a personal trainer at the same time. Although my parents can provide me with financial support,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
still
work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better life.
In addition
, there are almost nothing which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for free, and we need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to trade for it. You definitely can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
off the road without any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in your pocket.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are enthusiastic about making profit, according to them, nothing is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

However
, everything has its downsides,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
does this opinion. As
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
has mentioned above, nothing is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. Someone who is crazy about it can
possibly
do harm to others. Businessmen are willing to play dirty with their opponents
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of them. The more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things they will do. this is not the solution to happiness.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a vital factor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not everything.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
need to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ways to achieve happiness.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, other believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Give your own opinion and examples. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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