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Wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining. Discuss both the views

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertainment and ecological important. v. 16
In current era, perspective to keep animals varied amongst people. Some people think that it is illogical to keep animals in zoo while others believe that it is vital to keep animals in zoo for economical and entertainment purpose. I will discuss both the views in upcoming paragraphas. First of all, animals do have emotions and no one has a right to hurt them. Animals are used to live in their natural habitat which allows them to nurcher themselves. By keeping them in small cage or zoo they would not be able to have fresh air or natural environment. They forgot their inbuilt traits like hunting, roaring and survival in forest. Thus, It is unethical to isolate them from their natural surroundings. On the other hand, some people beileve that keeping them in zoo will help them to protect against predators. It is essential to keep them in a zoo because some animals are becoming extinct. Moreover, people are extremly keen to see such rare animals. This will make profitable business for some. For example, people come around the world to visit India to see asiatic lions. These will encourage tourism for local people. Lastly, for research study keeping animals is very important. To sum up with, although, animals play vital role in humans life, they do have a right to freedom and by keeping them in a zoo will snatch away their freedom.
In
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current
era, perspective to
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keep
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animals
varied amongst
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people
.
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Some
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is illogical to
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keep
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animals
in zoo while others believe that it is vital to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
in zoo for economical and entertainment purpose. I will discuss both the views in upcoming
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paragraphas
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
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animals
do have emotions and no one has a right to hurt them.
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Animals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in their natural habitat which
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allows
them to
Possible spelling mistake found.
nurcher
themselves. By keeping them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
cage or zoo they would not be able to have fresh air or natural environment. They forgot their inbuilt traits like hunting, roaring and survival in forest.
Thus
, It is unethical to isolate them from their natural surroundings.

On the other hand
,
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some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
beileve
that keeping them in zoo will
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help
them to protect against predators. It is essential to
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keep
them in a zoo
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
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some
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animals
are becoming extinct.
Moreover
,
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people
are
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extremly
keen to
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see
such rare
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animals
. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profitable business for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
.
For example
,
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
around the world to visit India to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Possible spelling mistake found.
asiatic
lions. These will encourage tourism for local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Lastly
, for research study keeping
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animals
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

To sum up with, although,
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animals
play vital role in humans life, they do have a right to freedom and by keeping them in a zoo will snatch away their freedom.
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IELTS essay Wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining. Discuss both the views

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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