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Some people believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Others, however, believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Why? v.4

Some people believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Others, however, believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Why? v. 4
Young ones are expected to be the next leaders in the future. Some people believe, that they should let them play during their very young ages, other commenters, affirmed that it is crucial for them to attend to school as soon as possible. The writer strongly agrees, that these children should allow them to play and stay at home, and the reasons will discuss below, followed by a conclusion. To start with, the children are supposed to stay at home to enjoy while they are playing, because this form of activity helps them to develop their creativeness and critical thinking. Thereby, it is crucial for them to experience to be a child. While they are playing like colouring the books, or playing the toys with their playmates, they can able to pick up or learn something else that can be useful, once they will start to study. For instance, a one child that who stayed at home with her mother and they let her play while learning basic, turn to be an achiever and enjoy at school, when she started schooling at the age of 6 years old. Furthermore, the researchers in Manhattan, University found that 8 out of 10 children, tend to be become successful and cheerful, once they reach adolescence, because when they were young, they were not pressured by their guidance or their parents to attend school in their very young ages. As a result, they live to be more optimistic, ecstatic and optimistic. Letting them go to school in their very young ages has a negative impact on them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
ones are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be the
next
leaders in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe, that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them play during their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
, other
Possible spelling mistake found.
commenters
, affirmed that it is crucial for them to attend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. The writer
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
, that these children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to play and stay at home, and the reasons will discuss below, followed by a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the children
are supposed
to stay at home to enjoy while they are playing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this form of activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to develop their creativeness and critical thinking. Thereby, it is crucial for them to experience to be a child. While they are playing like
Possible spelling mistake found.
colouring
the books, or playing the toys with their playmates, they
Please check whether one of these words is redundant.
can able to
pick up or learn something else that can be useful, once they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to study.

For instance
, a one child that who stayed at home with her
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mother and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
her play while learning basic, turn to be an achiever and enjoy at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, when she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
schooling at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 6 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

Furthermore
, the researchers in Manhattan, University found that 8 out of 10 children, tend to
be become
successful and cheerful, once they reach adolescence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
, they were not pressured by their guidance or their parents to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
to be more optimistic, ecstatic and optimistic. Letting them go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on them.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Others, however, believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Why? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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