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Some people believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweighs the disadvantages. v.2

Some people believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweighs the disadvantages. v. 2
The dynamic progression in the society has encouraged a lot of people to learn a second language. Bilingual individuals have an edge over their counterparts, where some have gotten to the pinnacle of their career faster than expected. Some group of individuals is of the opinion that learning a foreign tongue at elementary is more profitable than doing so in secondary school. This essay will show how the advantages are more than the demerits. First of all, recent research shows that children grasp information faster than adults due to their young brain cells at a tender age. Since the basis of learning a new language is in the alphabets and pronunciations, assimilation of knowledge at this young age will be a lot easier. For example, in some countries like USA, parents take their children at a very tender age to summer classes for languages like Spanish, French etc. Secondly, the myriad of opportunities bilingual individuals have, have helped them to attain success faster than their mates. The fast growing society needs great communicators with diverse languages. For instance, more than 39% of people in Nigeria got a lot of jobs because of their ability to translate foreign languages like Arabic and French to English. In addition learning a foreign language at primary school brings the opportunity to broaden your horizon for friendship. A Language they say captures the soul, people have a genuine excitement to know that someone can understand and speak their native tongue, especially in a foreign land. To conclude, speaking a foreign language creates multiple opportunities both in career and otherwise, it also facilitates one's level of success in life. Therefore, the merits of learning a new tongue in primary education outweighs the disadvantages at high school.
The dynamic progression in the society has encouraged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to learn a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
. Bilingual individuals have an edge over their counterparts, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
have gotten to the pinnacle of their career faster than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
group of individuals is of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
tongue at elementary is more profitable than doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in secondary school. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
how the advantages are more than the demerits.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, recent research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that children grasp information faster than adults due to their young brain cells at a tender age. Since the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is in the alphabets and pronunciations, assimilation of knowledge at this young age will be a lot easier.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries
A determiner is probably missing here: "like the USA".
like USA
, parents take their children at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tender age to summer classes for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
like Spanish, French etc.

Secondly
, the myriad of opportunities bilingual individuals have, have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to attain success faster than their mates. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
growing society needs great communicators with diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
For instance
, more than 39% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Nigeria
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their ability to translate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
like Arabic and French to English. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
at primary school brings the opportunity to broaden your horizon for friendship. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Language
they say captures the soul,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a genuine excitement to know that someone can understand and speak their native tongue,
especially
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
land.

To conclude
, speaking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
creates multiple opportunities both in career and
otherwise
, it
also
facilitates one's level of success in life.
Therefore
, the merits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a new tongue in primary education outweighs the disadvantages at high school.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweighs the disadvantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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