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Each year the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity? v.10

Each year the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity? v. 10
It seems that the crime rate is considerably increasing nowadays. Despite all attempts of governments and societies to prevent this social and economic phenomenon, it appears that proposed solutions are not able to reduce the crime rate unless they consider underlying root causes of this issue. The first root cause, and perhaps the most influential one, is unemployment, and its consequent financial problems. That is to say, jobless people, who are not able to afford their basic needs, are more likely to commit a crime. To tackle this problem, the government should attempt to improve the financial state, so that companies would employ more people. The next step would be devoting financial support for remained unemployed citizens until they can find a proper job. Therefore, the government can assure that almost all people no more commit a crime to make ends meet. Although poverty is considered the main reason for committing a crime, many individuals, especially adolescents, become criminals because of peer pressure. It would be seriously hard for juveniles to ignore what their surrounding people persuade them to perform. For example, many juvenile crimes, like graffiti and vandalism, are performed simply by enforcement of law-breaker friends. To deal with this issue, parents and schools should warn youngsters about this kind of pressure and train them to avoid such friendships. In addition, violent contents on media have noticeably increased recently, and thus, a significant number of criminals have been encouraged to commit a crime. Restricting the production of these programs would be an advisable solution. Moreover, TV channels and other producers should label all shows with age-related warnings, So that Parents can effectively control what their children can watch to minimize the adverse effects. To sum up, crime is a highly important issue for all societies. Governments, media, schools, and families, should assist in removing the contributing factors, such as poverty resulted from joblessness, juvenile circumstances, and media impacts.
It seems that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is
considerably
increasing nowadays. Despite all attempts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and societies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this social and economic phenomenon, it appears that proposed solutions are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate unless they consider underlying root causes of this issue.

The
first
root cause, and perhaps the most influential one, is unemployment, and its consequent financial problems.
That is
to say, jobless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who are not able to afford their basic needs, are more likely to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. To tackle this problem, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should attempt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the financial state,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would employ more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
next
step would be devoting financial support for remained unemployed citizens until they can find a proper job.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can assure that almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no more commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.

Although poverty
is considered
the main reason for committing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals,
especially
adolescents, become criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of peer pressure. It would be
seriously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for juveniles to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
what their surrounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
persuade them to perform.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
juvenile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, like graffiti and vandalism,
are performed
simply
by enforcement of law-breaker friends. To deal with this issue, parents and schools should warn youngsters about this kind of pressure and train them to avoid such friendships.

In addition
, violent contents on media have
noticeably
increased recently, and
thus
, a significant number of criminals have
been encouraged
to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. Restricting the production of these programs would be an advisable solution.
Moreover
, TV channels and other producers should label all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
with age-related warnings,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that Parents can
effectively
control what their children can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
to minimize the adverse effects.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is a
highly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue for all societies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
, media, schools, and families, should assist in removing the contributing factors, such as poverty resulted from joblessness, juvenile circumstances, and media impacts.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Each year the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity? v. 10

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
319 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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