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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. Do you agree or disagree? Give examples from your own experience. v.2

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. Give examples from your own experience. v. 2
It is believed by some individuals that permitting people over the age of 60 to work could cause trouble for the younger generation. I completely agree with this notion as they have to compete with old people who have more experience and they do not get enough opportunities to experiment with new techniques. To begin with, old people at work can give tough competition to young adults due to their experience. In other words, people, who have just started their career, get in direct competition with senior workers who have much higher experience and knowledge. This could sometimes lead to confrontations and conflicts between them and as a result, young employees start feeling demotivated in the beginning phase of their career. For example, I have experienced this in my first company where senior managers used to allot an enormous number of complex tasks to new joiners and expect timely delivery from them without any errors and bugs. This type of competitive environment with an immense difference in experience brings several problems to young workers and they end up feeling stressed and demotivated. Another point to consider is that having old employees at work deters young people from using updated technologies and methods. Moreover, senior employees believe in doing tasks in the same way as they were doing 10 years ago and do not consider allowing young minds to demonstrate the latest technologies and trends. This restricts thousands of companies to upgrade their products and eventually, they lose both the customers and young employees. To illustrate, Nokia, which was the market leader at one time, did not upgrade their mobile phones which were suggested by some young designers of the company and this affects their sales adversely. What is more, due to this hindrance in exploring new implementations, millions of young employees switch to other companies in the quest for an open environment to work and this influences the workforce abruptly. To conclude, holding down employees who are more than 60 can cause serious problems for young workers such as competition and a lack of freedom to express ideas. This could also cost the company in terms of a decrease in revenue as well as the young workforce.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals that permitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over the age of 60 to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
could cause trouble for the younger generation. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
experience and
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
opportunities to experiment with new techniques.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can give tough competition to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their career,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in direct competition with senior workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have much higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and knowledge. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
lead to confrontations and conflicts between them and
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
feeling demotivated in the beginning phase of their career.
For example
, I have experienced this in my
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
where senior managers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to allot an enormous number of complex tasks to new joiners and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
timely delivery from them without any errors and bugs. This type of competitive environment with an immense difference in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
brings several problems to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
workers and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up feeling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and demotivated.

Another point to consider is that having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
deters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from using updated technologies and methods.
Moreover
, senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
believe in doing tasks
in the same way
as they were doing 10 years ago and do not consider allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
minds to demonstrate the latest technologies and trends. This restricts thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to upgrade their products and
eventually
, they lose both the customers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. To illustrate, Nokia, which was the market leader at one time, did not upgrade their mobile phones which
were suggested
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
designers of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and this affects their sales
adversely
.
What is more
, due to this hindrance in exploring new implementations, millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
switch to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in the quest for an open environment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and this influences the workforce
abruptly
.

To conclude
, holding down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are more than 60 can cause serious problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workers such as competition and a lack of freedom to express
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. This could
also
cost the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in terms of a decrease in revenue
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workforce.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. Give examples from your own experience. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
367 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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