Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. v. 4
It is undeniably true that, people must work to earn for their livelihood. Some people think that it would be troublesome for the youngsters to find jobs, if people aged 60 years and above, are allowed to continue working. I completely agree with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe so. Firstly, it is a natural phenomenon that the early years of life are the most energetic ones. For example, youngsters have more potential and ability to perform a variety of tasks like being doctors, engineers, management trainees and teachers, as compared to the older people, because they have the stamina to take the toll of these duties easily. Thus, it is during this time that, they could very easily perform any kind of job and utilize this golden period in the best possible way. Furthermore, if they are given more opportunities to work, their money and time spent on education, would also pay off. Secondly, it is the younger people who are the bread-earners for many of the families. For instance, most of the times, it is either the father or the brother who has the responsibility of fulfilling the needs of their families. Thus, if the youngsters are provided multiple vacancies, it would be easier for them to earn money and support their family members. But, if the elder people are not compelled to retire after 60 years, there would be less vacant posts for the younger generation. This would lead to an increase in the tension within the family, especially between husband and wife, ultimately leading to an end to their relationship, causing an undue stress. To conclude, if older people are allowed to work, this would leave very few options of jobs for the young people. Hence, it becomes impossible for them to prove themselves to the world, during their active years of life. Additionally, this increases the ratio of divorce, because of the growing conflicts, due to economic instability in the families.
It is
undeniably
true that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work to earn for their livelihood.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it would be troublesome for the youngsters to find jobs, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged 60 years and above, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to continue working. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Firstly
, it is a natural phenomenon that the early years of life are the most energetic ones.
For example
, youngsters have more potential and ability to perform a variety of tasks like being doctors, engineers, management trainees and teachers, as compared to the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the stamina to take the toll of these duties
easily
.
Thus
, it is during this time that, they could
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
perform any kind of job and utilize this golden period in the best possible way.
Furthermore
, if they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more opportunities to work, their money and time spent on education, would
also
pay off.

Secondly
, it is the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are the bread-earners for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
For instance
,
Consider using "most of the time" if you mean "usually" or "very often".
most of the times
, it is either the father or the brother who has the responsibility of fulfilling the needs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
Thus
, if the youngsters
are provided
multiple vacancies, it would be easier for them to earn money and support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not compelled to retire after 60 years, there would be less vacant posts for the younger generation. This would lead to an increase in the tension within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
between husband and wife,
ultimately
leading to an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to their relationship, causing an undue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

To conclude
, if older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work, this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few options of jobs for the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, it becomes impossible for them to prove themselves to the world, during their active years of life.
Additionally
, this increases the ratio of divorce,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the growing conflicts, due to economic instability in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts