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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. v. 1
When discussing whether people should keep on working over the age of 60, one should bear in mind the complexity of the issue. Although some people think that allowing older employees to keep on working might cause problems with younger people, I believe older and experienced workers are a valuable source, and should be allowed to work. In this essay, I will provide reasons and examples to support my view. One argument in favor of my opinion is that the industrial field is expanding rapidly, and there are sufficient amount of work places for youger workers. For example, in Israel the annual economical growth is 2%, which creates more than 50, 000 working positions yearly. As a consequence, the unemploynment rate is decreasing rapidly, and that means that even if older people continue working, there are still enough jobs for everyone. This example shows that men may find jobs easily, regardless of other people's retirement age. Another point supporting my position is that experienced workers recognize financial opportunities that can save and create jobs for others. To illustrate, an elderly worker in the banking field, due to his vast experience as a banker over the last 30 years, may recognize a chance to buy a food company that got into financial difficulties. As a result, the worker's experience might save the company and create new working vacancies. This example demonstrates that experience is a valuable tool that can create substantial income and save jobs. In conclusion, I maintain that older people should be allowed to work, because they have the experience and knowledge to create new jobs. We should charish them and learn from them as much as we can.
When discussing whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
over the age of 60, one should bear in mind the complexity of the issue. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
might cause problems with younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I believe
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older
and experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are a valuable source, and should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work. In this essay, I will provide reasons and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
to support my view.

One argument in favor of my opinion is that the industrial field is expanding
rapidly
, and there are sufficient
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "amounts"?
amount
of work places for
Possible spelling mistake found.
youger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, in Israel the annual
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
growth is 2%, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creates
more than 50, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
positions yearly. As a consequence, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unemploynment
rate is decreasing
rapidly
, and that means that even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue
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working
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for everyone. This
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example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
may find
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jobs
easily
, regardless of other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's retirement age.

Another point supporting my position is that experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
recognize financial opportunities that can save and
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create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for others. To illustrate, an elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
in the banking field, due to his vast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
as a banker over the last 30 years, may recognize a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
into financial difficulties.
As a result
, the worker's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
might save the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
create
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
vacancies. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
demonstrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is a valuable tool that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
create
substantial income and save jobs.

In conclusion
, I maintain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and knowledge to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
create
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. We should
Possible spelling mistake found.
charish
them and learn from them as much as we can.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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