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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger. Do you agree or disagree? I v.2

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger. I v. 2
Recently, the debate on allowing people to work after the age of 60 has become heated. As far as I am concerned, I do not think that this would cause problems for younger. Firstly, the employment rate of the youngsters might not be directly affected. Some people might claim that when the elderly can work for a longer time, the job places for the younger generation would decrease. However, in many countries, for example Hong Kong and Singapour, the elderly are usually doing some low-skilled work like guards and drivers. Because of the education inflation, many young people nowadays might not be willing to apply for these jobs, therefore, the prolonging the working time for the those elderly would not affect the job opportunities for the younger. Secondly, allowing the elderly to work for a longer time might reduce young people's burden. Since many elderly might need to live on the subsidy when they get retired, elderly in some countries with high cost of living like Hong Kong, or elderly in some developing countries like Vietnam, might not have enough capital for living after their retirement. Therefore, this might increase their children's burden or even the burden for the taxpayers. As a result, lengthening the working period for the elderly can ease the social's burden. To summarize, allowing people to work after the age of 60 might not only not have a dire effect on the employment rate of the young people, but also can help ease the social burden. Therefore, we should be willing to embrace this situation. After analysis this problem, I think the trend for working after the 60s might be prevailed.
Recently, the debate on allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the age of 60 has become heated. As far as I
am concerned
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this would cause problems for younger.

Firstly
, the employment rate of the youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be
directly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
claim that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a longer time, the job places for the younger generation would decrease.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
for example
Hong Kong and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Singapour
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are
usually
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
low-skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
like guards and drivers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the education inflation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be willing to apply for these jobs,
therefore
, the prolonging the working time for the those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
would not affect the job opportunities for the younger.

Secondly
, allowing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a longer time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
burden
. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on the subsidy when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
retired,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries with high cost of living like Hong Kong, or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
like Vietnam,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
capital for living after their retirement.
Therefore
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
increase their children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
burden
or even the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
burden
for the taxpayers.
As a result
, lengthening the working period for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the social's burden.

To summarize
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the age of 60
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
not have a dire effect on the employment rate of the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
burden
.
Therefore
, we should be willing to embrace this situation. After analysis this problem, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the trend for working after the 60s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be prevailed
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it would cause problems for younger. I v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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