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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 3
A world we know today would not be exist without laboring. It is the key to develop and maintain global modernization. And due to the huge demand from labor forces, some companies and organizations allow workers above 60 to keep working. But there is an opinion state that at this age, retirements are needed. From my point of view, I can’t share the same opinion with this. In this essay, I will explain why. First, age is just a number. A true fact that the rate of work is based on the performance, not the age. 60-year-old men can still do the calculation properly, such as math professors. Moreover, older people tend to have more experience in their own field of job, so they know how to make it as efficient as possible. Also, their experience which they collect through the years can be passed through younger workers. Not only new workers be profitable from this, but also older ones can maintain their career at the company, therefore make a perfect balance. If a company knows the way to organize these two forces to work together, the advantages are uncountable. One more benefit to keep the old labor force to stay is they can reduce the need for younger worker, hence save a lot of money both for the companies and the governments. A research has shown that for a single worker, the organizations and governments have to pay $169. 000 per year for working insurances and other fees, and the amount of $200. 000 is the basic requirement for a retired worker. Holding the old workers’ feet at the desk can save a sum of $31. 000 per person. Multiplying this with the number of workers, we can imagine how enormous a single organization can save. Moreover, reducing the need of younger workers can control the birthrate of a country. From that, overpopulation can be stopped, and the burden for a country will be lowered. In my opinion, the use of old workers is essential. From the benefits that have mentioned above, governments and organizations should encourage, and offer better conditions to their own employees.
A world we know
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
would not be
Consider using a past participle here: "existed".
exist
without laboring. It is the key to develop and maintain global modernization. And due to the huge demand from labor forces,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
above 60 to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there is an opinion state that at this age, retirements
are needed
. From my point of view, I can’t share the same opinion with this. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why.

First
, age is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a number. A true fact that the rate of work
is based
on the performance, not the age. 60-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
can
still
do the calculation
properly
, such as math professors.
Moreover
, older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to have more experience in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
field of job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it as efficient as possible.
Also
, their experience which they collect through the years can
be passed
through younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
be profitable from this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
older ones can maintain their career at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
,
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a perfect balance. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
knows the way to organize these two forces
Did you mean "working"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to work
together, the advantages are uncountable.

One more benefit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
labor force to stay is they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the need for younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
,
hence
save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money both for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
has shown that for a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay $169. 000 per year for working insurances and other fees, and the amount of $200. 000 is the basic requirement for a retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
. Holding the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers’
feet at the desk can save a sum of $31. 000 per person. Multiplying this with the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, we can imagine how enormous a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
can save.
Moreover
, reducing the need of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
can control the birthrate of a country. From that, overpopulation can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
, and the burden for a country will
be lowered
.

In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
is essential. From the benefits that have mentioned above,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
should encourage, and offer better conditions to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
employees.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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