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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 1
Nowadays some governments are changing their policies by allowing to work after age 60. Some argue that this development will provide major benefits for the societies. I  completely disagree with those people based on some facts which I will discuss in this essay. Firstly, currently there is a huge competition for employment around the world for all of the age categories. If governments permit older people to work, as a result, majority of younger crowd will be left unemployed. Although, most youngsters lack of experience in the job perspective, they are the spirit of a nation. Another factor involves with this is when these youngsters left without a proper work or an income they tend to select illegal activities such as stealing, misleading people. Moreover, they may even forced to do drugs because of bad influence of the their crime partners. Secondly, considering the economical aspect of the problem. Young people are the most energetic in a society. Hence, they would produce most efficient workforce of an any country. Working capacity of the people over age 60 is less compared to the young ones. Therefore, it would be beneficial for economy of a nation and the employers if old people forced to retire at a certain age. Furthermore, when a person reach the age of 60 that is their final stage of the life, thus they should enjoy it restfully rather then running over the money. In a nutshell, providing employment for older people would not be such a good idea after all because it would reduce the employment opportunities for the young leading them to criminal activities not only that, it would affect the economy and will make the older people restless. Because of that I totally disagree with this statement.
Nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are changing their policies by allowing to work after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
60.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that this development will provide major benefits for the societies. I
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
completely disagree with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
based on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facts which I will discuss in this essay.

Firstly
,
currently
there is a huge competition for employment around the world for
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
categories. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
permit older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work,
as a result
, majority of younger crowd will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unemployed. Although, most youngsters lack of experience in the job perspective, they are the spirit of a nation. Another factor involves with this is when these youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
without a proper work or an income they tend to select illegal activities such as stealing, misleading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, they may even
The verb 'may' requires the base form of the verb: "force"
forced
to do drugs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence of
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their crime" or "the crime"?
the their crime
partners.

Secondly
, considering the economical aspect of the problem. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the most energetic in a society.
Hence
, they would produce most efficient workforce of an any country. Working capacity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
60 is less compared to the young ones.
Therefore
, it would be beneficial for economy of a nation and the employers if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forced to retire at a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Furthermore
, when a person
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "reaches".
reach
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60
that is
their final stage of the life,
thus
they should enjoy it
restfully
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
running over the money.

In a nutshell, providing employment for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would not be such a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
after all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the employment opportunities for the young leading them to criminal activities not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that, it would affect the economy and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
restless.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of that I
totally
disagree with this statement.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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