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Some people believe that hard word is more important than talent. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that hard word is more important than talent. v. 1
There are differing opinions as to whether or not hard work is of greater importance than talent. Even though hard work is important, I disagree that it is more important than talent because being talented in whatever field an individual decides to specialise in helps to make the work easier. Also, the rate at which success is attained when the individual is talented is much higher as opposed to when he is talentless in his chosen field. Being talented in one's chosen field helps to make the work easier as the work will be enjoyed better and seen more as a hobby. Examples can be seen in some of the top football players in the world today such as Lionel Messi and Cristiano Rinaldo who are known the world over for being talented. The ease with which they play on the field is a reflection of how greatly they enjoy what they do In addition, being able to enjoy what one does helps to achieve success faster and make such success last longer. Further illustrating with Rinaldo and Messi, this seems to be true as they gained international recognition at an early age and are still relevant till date, whereas there are other football players who started out at the same time as they started and probably put in more work who have fallen off the radar today because they lacked the talent. In conclusion, even though hard work is necessary to be successful, being talented is of greater value as it makes the work more enjoyable with success being attained faster and lasting longer.
There are differing opinions
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is of greater importance than talent.
Even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, I disagree that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than talent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
in whatever field an individual decides to
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialise' is British English.
specialise
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
easier.
Also
, the rate at which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is attained
when the individual is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
is much higher
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
opposed to when he is
Possible spelling mistake found.
talentless
in his chosen field.

Being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
in one's chosen field
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
easier as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will
be enjoyed
better and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
a hobby. Examples can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
top football players in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
such as Lionel Messi and Cristiano
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rinaldo
who
are known
the world over for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
with which they play on the field is a reflection of how
greatly
they enjoy what they
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
do


In addition
, being able to enjoy what one does
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
faster and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
last longer.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
illustrating with
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rinaldo
and Messi, this seems to be true as they gained international recognition at an early age and are
still
relevant till date, whereas there are other football players who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
out at the same time as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
and
probably
put in more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
who have fallen off the radar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they lacked the talent.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is necessary to be successful, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talented
is of greater value as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more enjoyable with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
being attained
faster and lasting longer.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people believe that hard word is more important than talent. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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