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Some people believe that great difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial. Do you think the advantages of greater difference in age between them outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some people believe that great difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial. Do you think the advantages of greater difference in age between them outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Nowadays, it is common to see people living on roads in most parts of the world. Some argue that the best way to help them is by providing them financial support. However, I believe there are other measures that can be taken to make their lives better. To begin with, homeless people are accompanied by many ex-convicts, while they are on roads. As a result, they fall into bad habits such as alcoholism and drug use. When they are offered with money, these people tend to spend it on these questionable and illegal habits. For instance, surveys have found that more than 80% of individuals living on roads use drugs regularly. Hence, society should find other ways of helping them such as providing them a meal or clothes rather than giving cash. Moreover, there are thieves and thugs living on the streets that take the collection form the innocent ones. We cannot guarantee that the donation we provide would end up with betterment for those who needed. There are numerous example of bad people who used poor ones as a bait to collect money for their illegal tasks. Therefore, the money we donate might become the funding for a criminal activity in the our own neighbourhood. In order to save innocent from this, people should build community shelters for those could not afford a roof over them. In conclusion, sometimes the most obvious choice is to give some cash to the homeless. However, we do not usually assume the consequences of that action, which even may lead to more antisocial activities. Thus, as responsible citizens everyone should find alternative methods of supporting those who required it.
Nowadays, it is common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living on roads in most parts of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them is by providing them financial support.
However
, I believe there are other measures that can
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are accompanied
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ex-convicts, while they are on roads.
As a result
, they fall into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as alcoholism and drug
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. When they
are offered
with money, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to spend it on these questionable and illegal habits.
For instance
, surveys have found that more than 80% of individuals living on roads
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
drugs
regularly
.
Hence
, society should find other ways of helping them such as providing them a meal or clothes
rather
than giving cash.

Moreover
, there are thieves and thugs living on the streets that take the collection form the innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. We cannot guarantee that the donation we provide would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with betterment for those who needed. There are numerous example of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
as a bait to collect money for their illegal tasks.
Therefore
, the money we donate might become the funding for a criminal activity in the our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. In order to save innocent from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should build community shelters for those could not afford a roof over them.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the most obvious choice is to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cash to the homeless.
However
, we do not
usually
assume the consequences of that action, which even may lead to more antisocial activities.
Thus
, as responsible citizens everyone should find alternative methods of supporting those who required it.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that great difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial. Do you think the advantages of greater difference in age between them outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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