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Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. to what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. v. 2
Historical arts and music represents country's rich history and culture. The government these days is spending a lot of budget on preventing our rich culture. Although, there is a certain group of people who think we are wasting our time and resources on protecting them. I totally disagree because our history needs to be preserved and protected. In this essay, we will discuss both sides of the coin before any conclusion can be drawn. Firstly, humans inherit everything from their ancestors and we all are connected to art in some way or another. For example, movies are very lucrative and this culture has been adopted from arts and paintings only. Art and music are considered as an entertainment for some people. Many countries, such as USA, Canada, China and Australia are spending a huge amount of money on preserving their art and to encourage people to learn about their ancient history. Also, a lot of people are employed in this industry and encouragement of arts from the government improves livelihood of thousands of people. This way it is beneficial for both who work as artists and those who enjoy art. Secondly, there is a strong counter argument among large sections of people that in developing country like India, the focus should be more on other development activities. For example, funds can be used in improving of villages where there are no regular supply of water and electricity, rather than wasting them on arts and paintings. Furthermore, people are less interested in these art forms and tastes of people are constantly changing. Entry fees are negligible at these kind of exhibitions, still people find it boring and waste of their time. For example, the theatre lost all its audiences to the movies. Nowadays, people prefer watching movies rather than going to the theatre. To conclude, the arts are an essential part of every individual and they are worth every penny that is spent on them. The government should take certain steps towards preserving them and make sure they should be financed properly in a variety of forms like museums, craft expos, documentary films etc. I believe that youngsters should come forward to help these arts become worldwide famous as they depicts our country's heritage.
Historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and music represents country's rich history and culture. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
these days is spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
budget on preventing our rich culture. Although, there is a certain group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we are wasting our time and resources on protecting them. I
totally
disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our history needs to
be preserved
and protected. In this essay, we will discuss both sides of the coin
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any conclusion can
be drawn
.

Firstly
, humans inherit everything from their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ancestors and
we all
are connected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way or another.
For example
, movies are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lucrative and this culture has
been adopted
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and paintings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
and music
are considered
as an entertainment for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries, such
A determiner is probably missing here: "as the USA".
as USA
, Canada, China and Australia are spending a huge amount of money on preserving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to learn about their ancient history.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are employed
in this industry and encouragement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
livelihood of thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This way it is beneficial for both who work as artists and those who enjoy art.

Secondly
, there is a strong counter argument among large sections of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
like India, the focus should be more on other development activities.
For example
, funds can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in improving of villages where there are no regular supply of water and electricity,
rather
than wasting them on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and paintings.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are less interested in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
forms and tastes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
constantly
changing. Entry fees are negligible at
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of exhibitions,
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find it boring and waste of their time.
For example
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
lost all its audiences to the movies. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer watching movies
rather
than going to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are an essential part of every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
individual and
they are worth every penny that
is spent
on them. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take certain steps towards preserving them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they should
be financed
properly
in a variety of forms like museums, craft expos, documentary films etc. I believe that youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
become worldwide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
as they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "depict"
depicts
our country's heritage.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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