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Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. to what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. v. 1
Whilst, many individuals thing that authority money should be expend on essential objects rather then artwork like painting and music. In my opinion spending on health and education is top priority, but disagree with no funding for the arts. I would discuss both views in upcoming paragraphs. To begin with, there are myriad reasons why I believe that administration disbure on other objects. The first and the important case is that good health is necessary for everyone. these days, approximately all people suffer from many diseases such as, obesity, blood pressure. Management should created more hospital and fitness Centre so, masses make fit and healthy. moreover, education play a vital role in human life. Educated men and women help in country economy and development. For instance, if more and more mankind are studying it would be helpful for nation. Contrary above to the statement artwork and Melody are also part of humanity. Furthermore, music art represent culture among youth and next generation. Traditional music of a country is more important than the international music. it is also a part the culture of a country. For example, in India" Vande Mataram" song is very special it show country diversity thanks Council invest money on music. It also create new job opportunities. In addition painting is a form of Creative human expression. it is show emotions of mankind. for this reason there is no need of any language. Besides, it is easy to describe their Nation point of view in international platform. So government should music and art. In the conclusion, although other objects question for everyone. However, ministry should also encourage people for music and our work.
Whilst,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "individuals'" or "individual's"?
individuals
thing that authority money should be
Consider using the past participle "expended"?
expend
on essential objects
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
artwork like painting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. In my opinion spending on health and education is top priority,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
disagree with no funding for the arts. I would discuss both views in upcoming paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are myriad reasons why I believe that administration
Possible spelling mistake found.
disbure
on other objects. The
first
and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
case is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health is necessary for everyone.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
these
days, approximately all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases such as, obesity, blood pressure. Management should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "create"
created
more hospital and fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'Centre' is British English.
Centre
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, masses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fit and healthy.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
moreover
, education play a vital role in human life. Educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
economy and development.
For instance
, if more and more mankind are studying it would be helpful for nation.

Contrary above to the statement artwork and Melody are
also
part of humanity.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
art represent culture among youth and
next
generation. Traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
also
a part the culture of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For example
, in India
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vande
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mataram
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
song is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
special it
Did you mean "shows"?
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
diversity thanks Council invest money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. It
also
Did you mean "creates"?
create
new job opportunities. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
painting is a form of Creative human expression.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
emotions of mankind.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
this reason there is no need of any language.
Besides
, it is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
their Nation point of view in international platform.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and art.

In the conclusion, although other objects question for everyone.
However
, ministry should
also
encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and our work.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people Believe that government money should be spend on important things rather than arts painting and music. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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