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Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on the society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money they make because of their positive effect on others. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.5

Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on the society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money they make because of their positive effect on others. v. 5
Some people believe that the celebrities deserve to be highly paid because they serve the country and represent the country’s culture to the global. While others believe that there are other professions that should earn high salaries because of what they present. I am of the belief that microbiological scientists, teachers and firefighters should earn more money than entertainers. Both views will be discussed in this essay. On one hand, celebrities play an important role in serving the country as they participate in campaigns for dealing with serious problems that faces the world. Moreover, they are exposed to psychological pressure due to the absence of privacy which sometimes led to suicide. For example, Dalida was one of the most well-known and successful singers, she had suffered from depression because she was surrounded by many journalists without finding a way to escape from them, so she committed suicide. Having this example, it is believed that entertainers have their own rights to be paid well. On the other hand, there are many professions which serve the people and the humanity, such as teachers, firefighters and microbiological scientists; this sector of the community should earn more money than celebrities. Doctors, pharmacists and biologists spend a lot of time searching and discovering a molecule or a drug which can rescue the society from a disease. Educators who build the future generation and firefighters who sacrifice themselves to save other peoples' homes should be he highly paid. This can be witnessed by Doctor Magdy Yacoob who plays a philanthropic role in the medical area; he donates his effort doing heart surgeries for people without any returns. That is why these sacrificers should earn better than sport men, singers or actors. In conclusion, the previous points strengthen my opinion that there are professions which are faced with high risk should deserve to be paid well more than entertainers. However, celebrities receive the payment that they deserve.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
deserve to be
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they serve the country and represent the country’s culture to the global.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others believe that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions that should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
high salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of what they present. I am of the belief that microbiological scientists, teachers and firefighters should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more money than entertainers. Both views will
be discussed
in this essay.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in serving the country as they participate in campaigns for dealing with serious problems that faces the world.
Moreover
, they
are exposed
to psychological pressure due to the absence of privacy which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
led to suicide.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dalida
was one of the most well-known and successful singers, she had suffered from depression
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
was surrounded
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
journalists without finding a way to escape from them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
she committed suicide. Having this example, it
is believed
that entertainers have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
rights to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professions which serve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and the humanity, such as teachers, firefighters and microbiological scientists; this sector of the community should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more money than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. Doctors, pharmacists and biologists spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time searching and discovering a molecule or a drug which can rescue the society from a disease. Educators who build the future generation and firefighters who sacrifice themselves to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
peoples' homes should be he
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. This can
be witnessed
by Doctor
Possible spelling mistake found.
Magdy
Possible spelling mistake found.
Yacoob
who plays a philanthropic role in the medical area; he donates his effort doing heart surgeries for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
without any returns.
That is
why these sacrificers should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
better than sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, singers or actors.

In conclusion
, the previous points strengthen my opinion that there are professions which
are faced
with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
should deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well more than entertainers.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
receive the payment that they deserve.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on the society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money they make because of their positive effect on others. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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